Shikamaru ‘Robbin’ Hood’ Nara
by Markus Wolfe
Summary: A Humorous Adventure portraying the characters of Naruto as the characters of Robin Hood......and Kiba as William Wallace.
1. Cast and Introduction

-Markus Wolfe presents: Shikamaru 'Robbin' Hood' Nara, or alternatively, Shinobi in Tights

To skip the cast, scroll down until you see italic text.

The Cast, in Order of Appearance:

Shikamaru Nara – Shikamaru 'Robbin' Hood' Nara – Robin Hood Equivalent

Choji Akimichi – Little Choji – Little John Equivalent

Naruto Uzumaki – Naruto O'Malley – Irish Merry Man, Future King of Ireland, Suitor of Hinata

Kiba Inuzuka and Akamaru – Kiba and Akamaru Macdouglas – Scottish Merry Man and Dog, William Wallace Equivalent

Jiraiya – Jiraiya O'Flaherty the Abnormally Large and Perverted Leprechaun – Mentor of Naruto, Giant Leprechaun, Friar Tuck Equivalent

Temari – The Fair Maiden Temari – Maid Marian Equivalent, Sister of Kankuro and Gaara

Kamatari (Temari's Weasel) – Scrabbler – Temari's Pet Weasel

Tenten – Tenten O'Higgins – Wife of Neji, Irish Handmaiden of Temari

Hinata Hyuuga – Hinata O'Higgins – Irish Handmaiden of Temari, Cousin of Neji, Lover of Naruto

Neji Hyuuga - Neji O'Higgins – Husband of Tenten, Representative of Ireland to the British Crown, Informer of Shikamaru, Cousin of Hinata

Sakura Haruno – Lady Sakura Cooke – Random High Class Woman

Ino Yamanka – Lady Ino Legge – Again, Random High Class Woman

Kakuzu – King Kakuzu – Prince John Equivalent, Evil Spaniard

Hidan – Honorable Sheriff Hidan – Sheriff of Konoham (equivalent to Sheriff of Nottingham), Wicked Frenchman

Kisame Hoshigaki – General Kisame – Mercenary Army Commander, Chief Swordsman of Kakuzu, Ruthless German

Shino Abarume – Shino the Blind Kunai Thrower – That blind guy from Robin Hood: Men in Tights

Kankuro – Lord Kankuro – Brother of Temari and Gaara, Aspiring Artist, Torture Device Engineer

Gaara – Gaara, Baron of Sundun – Brother of Temari and Kankuro, Torture Device and Siege Weapon Engineer, Baron of Sundun

Baki – Baki – Personal Assistant to the Noble Family of Sundun

Shukaku Ichibi – Shukaku the Monstrous Raccoon…..Dog…..Bear…..THING - A Monstrous Raccoon…..Dog…..Bear…..THING

Kyuubi – The Rawhead – Boogeyman, Fear Incarnated, Lord of Terror, etc.

Might Gai – Sir Guy the Mighty – Green Knight of the Irish Fisticuffs Order of Youth

Rock Lee – Squire Shamrock Lee – Squire to Sir Guy the Mighty

Suigetsu Hozuki – Suigetsu the Brrrraw – Robert the Bruce equivalent

Kakashi Hatake – King Kakashi the Courageous – King Richard the Lion-hearted Equivalent, Also has elements of King Arthur

Choza Akimichi – Tiny Choza – Father of Choji

Inoichi Yamanka – Inoichi Legge – Father of Ino

Shikaku Nara – No change of name – Father of Shikamaru, Lord of Konoham, Husband of Yoshino

Yoshino Nara – No change of name – Mother of Shikamaru, Lady of Konoham, Wife of Shikaku

_A long time ago in England, there was a fair sized village that went by the name of Konoham. It was ruled justly the local noble family, the Nara Clan. The Clan leader of that day and age, Shikaku, was summoned by King Kakashi the Courageous to aid him in the Great Shinobi Crusade. Now, normally the wife of the local lord would stay at home and manage the land, but for some reason Lady Yoshino was determined to accompany him on the Crusade (something about making sure he eats his vegetables) That left the young Shikamaru to rule Konoham. While he was old enough to rule, and was wise beyond his years, Shikamaru simply lacked the ambition of the other lords (twas the effects a curse put upon his family in the olden days) and preferred to watch clouds rather than perform his duties._

_In a cruel twist of fate for England, a malicious tyrant from Spain stole the throne in Kakashi's absence. His name was Kakuzu, and the hunger for gold and power of the evil Spaniard was beyond belief. He taxed the heart and soul out of the common folk of England, and unseated many of the reigning lords, replacing them with his own personal 'sheriffs' to further establish his control. Shikamaru was one of them. A mercenary army led by Kakuzu's two favorite subjects, the wicked Frenchman Hidan and the ruthless German General Kisame, stormed his castle and burned his family's deed to the land. Shikamaru managed to escape with his lifelong friend Little Choji (who rarely ever left his side) into the surrounding forest, but at the cost of the life of his most trusted advisor, Asuma. After seeing him murdered at the hands of Hidan, Shikamaru decided he would not be content with the suffering he knew his people would receive at Kakuzu's hand._

_The first thing he did was write a letter to the Kiba Macdouglas (a Scottish rebel, determined to free the kingless Scotland from England's grasp) whom he had earlier encountered (read: had been held hostage by) during negotiations in the Borderlands. Upon learning of the situation in England, Kiba (who had been recently lost a battle because "That wee bastard Angus sold me oot!") figured England would be an excellent place to hide (since no one would ever look for him there) and went to Shikamaru's aid, taking with him only his sword and his wolfhound Akamaru. Shikamaru also wrote a letter to the Irish trickster Naruto O'Malley, the future King of Ireland (whom he had also been acquainted with in the Borderlands). Not knowing of his royal lineage, Naruto decided that joining Shikamaru made as much sense as anything else he could think of. As ever, he was accompanied by his mentor, Jiraiya O'Flaherty the Abnormally Large and Perverted Leprechaun._

_With his most trusted allies at his side, Shikamaru put his plan into action: they robbed the caravans carrying the tax money from Konoham and distributed it among the poor, and those made poor by the taxes, making sure none of the 'authorities' saw their faces while they were doing it. And it is here that our story begins…_

Unless you actually care enough about the background of this story to read the author's note, you best go to the next chapter right now.

Ah, the author's note. Also known as where Markus explains why he did what he did.

First, why I made this whole thing in the first place. I was meditating on the partnership of Shikamaru and Choji, comparing them to many classic duos (such as Indiana Jones and those of his allies who didn't betray him, and Han Solo and Chewbacca) and eventually Robin Hood and Little John came up. It was a very good comparison. It was then I realized that the rest of the slacker gang (Naruto, Kiba and Akamaru) would make a very good band of Merry Men. That's how I started the picture, then I worked Temari in as Maid Marian (because I'm one of the biggest Shikatema fans on this site, and also because their relationship reminds me of descriptions of Maid Marian and Robin Hood that were less than 'fairy tale'), then Jiraiya as Friar Tuck. And it kind of just snowballed from there. The ideas in my head continued to grow more and more complex and suitable for a fanfic.

Second, why I made a boat load of people Irish. Why not? I mean, how am I going to make Naruto the future king of somewhere if the King of England has to return from the Crusade at the end to set things right? Right? Alright, that was weak, but I've got better reasons. Naruto's a whimsical guy, and he hasn't got a care in the world….well, if Saucegay wasn't being so much trouble, he would be. What could he be raised by to inspire this sort of attitude? LEPRECHAUNS! Jiraiya as a leprechaun? Why, that's just brilliant, creative side of my conscious! Additionally, the Hyuuga clan has stereotypical Irish features (extra light skin, dark hair) so it would make sense for them to be Irish as well.

Third, why I made the Inuzuka clan Scottish and Kiba the William Wallace equivalent. I myself am a proud descendant of the Scots, and believe that out of all of the ninja clans, the Inuzuka clan would be the best to fit in Scotland. Also, I got to have fun with the Scottish accent! I turned the Inuzuka clan into the Macdouglas clan because 'Dog' would be pronounced similar to 'Doug', causing the name to mean 'Son of Dog' (although with the 'lass' on the end, it sounds like a heavy insult, if you get what I mean). Also, it sounds like 'Madadh'- Gaelic for 'Dog' or 'Canine'. As for the William Wallace stuff….. what's wrong throwing in a little Braveheart? William Wallace was one of the inspirations for the original Robin Hood, so why not?

4. Everybody else's accents/countries of origin. My first explanation, which is also the weakest, is WHY NOT? I'm the author, I can do whatever I feel like. My second explanation is that the accents are particularly amusing. Third on the list is that the English viewed the French and Spanish as villains for the longest time, and didn't exactly feel warmly towards the Germans. Also, the French were the inventors of the guillotine, and the largest sword in all of Europe originated in Germany. The final explanation is that I needed Hidan to do a lot of swearing, but if I had too much swearing I knew this could never be published. We often refer to swearing as French anyways, so why not just have him swear in French?

5. Bearded and shirtless characters. First off, they're just costumes to make it more obvious who everybody is. Second, it's the medieval ages! Almost every man capable of growing a beard has a beard! Razor blades haven't been invented yet, and the next best thing is ridiculously expensive. Third, I like beards. Beards are undeniably awesome and manly. Every year since Grade 9 (2005), when school starts I stop shaving until the spring. It's a biological experiment on myself. In the Summer, I look like a guy from the 80's, but in the winter I look like an Iron Age Celt. I started growing the beard 2 weeks earlier this year, and I think it's going to be a keeper. And the last reason is that it's fun giving guys beards. And not just giving them beards (though that's fun on its own) but finding the facial hair that suits them best.

Oh, and the shirtlessness….it's called fanservice.


	2. Shikamaru and his Band of Manly Men

Shikamaru stared vacantly over the vast forests surrounding Konoham, stroking the chin of his beard warily. He was a handsome young man, with dark hair in a ponytail bound by a thick iron band. He wore dark pants and deep green vest that hung open. The vest was lined with deer fur around the neck, and with the fur of some savage grey beast around the arms. Below the tree he sat in, Choji, a generously proportioned giant of a man, scrubbed vigorously at that week's laundry, trying to keep his massive beard out of the washing tub. He wore pants and a vest, both a deep red, but the vest was too small. Unlike Shikamaru, whose abs and pectoral muscles were plain to see, Choji's massive torso muscles were hidden behind a wall of fat. His biceps, on the other hand, dwarfed Shikamaru's. He also had much more hair on his head, reddy brown stuff that was bound by an iron ring partway down his back. "That was a stroke of pure genius, you know." Shikamaru tilted his head downwards toward his longtime ally. Choji looked back up to him. "Using Naruto's tricks like that to make us all look like a bunch of beautiful gypsy women."

Shikamaru slid down from the tree, and readjusted his dark green hat. "That was simple. What was genius was the acting jobs we pulled off."

"Aye, aye." Choji mumbled, throwing a pair of his pants over a tree branch. "I still can't believe you went into Kakuzu's own personal carriage."

"He wasn't that hard to fool. All I had to do was babble on about how his horoscope was going to make him rich." Shikamaru put on a feminine voice as he checked the pants for any spots Choji had missed. "Jupiter, the planet of vast wealth, moves into your constellation in three days…Saturn, the harvest planet, moves into Scorpio, so collect taxes next Friday….. I just can't believe it went off without a snag."

A blond, shirtless man with muttonchops jumped out of the bush. A piece of metal with a shamrock carved in was tied to his forehead, also strapping in a massive four leafed clover. His blue eyes and bulky torso muscles glistened in the sunlight, and he wore a big grin on his face. His pants were an eye gouging orange, and his arms were huge. His hair was bound in an iron ring like Choji's, but it hung freely on either side of his head, and made a crown the top. "Done redistributing the wealth, Naruto?" Shikamaru said casually.

"Aye, but Jiraiya's got himsel' inta tha local ladies again. I do nuh know when he'll be buck." The blond replied. "When's dinna?"

"As soon as we finish the laundry." Shikamaru sighed, turning his eyes to the next pair of drying pants. "Troublesome old leprechaun."

"Weel, I bettar check on Kiba then. He's the ane mindin' the pot, ri- BLUDDY HELL!" Naruto bounded over to the cooking fire, were a pot of stew was boiling over. He quickly yanked the pot away from the fire and placed it on a stump, desperately trying to save the stew. "KIBA, YA FOUKING DUNCE!! YA FOUKED IT UP AGAIN!"

Not too far away, a Scotsman woke from his daydream. He had a fair sized beard, and long, untamed brown hair. Two red fangs adorned his cheeks, and he wore neither shirt nor pants. Instead, there lay around his waist a kilt, and on his lap a great big furry sporran. He had been using Akamaru, a great white wolfhound that carried his claymore (a sword whose blade was almost as long as its user was tall) as a pillow before the Irish blond had interrupted his reverie. "Ach, that cannae be guid."

" It's a fouking crime, fer cryn' aloud!" Naruto grumbled, reaching for a spoon. "I can nuh count how many dinnas ya've don this tae…." He scooped a dribble of stew with the spoon and sipped it, grimacing from the nasty flavor.

Several hours and many complaints about stew later, the sky had darkened and the motley crew of bandits had turned their attention to keeping the fire alive.

"Shikamaru?"

Shikamaru glanced up at Naruto.

"Are we guid guys or bad guys?"

"What?"

"I mean, we steal, which makes us bad, but givin' tae the poor makes us guid, but we can nuh be both, can we?"

Shikamaru shook his head. "If it bothers you that much, think of it as collecting rebates."

Naruto smiled, pleased by the explanation. Then his face turned to confusion. "Whit's a rebate?"

"You know how if you buy a 4 sterling belt and pay with 5 sterling, they give you a sterling back? It's sorta like that, but with taxes."

Naruto smiled again. Choji dumped another armful of sticks on the fire. Akamaru licked out the stew pot while Kiba polished his claymore. Shikamaru laid back and tipped his hat down. All was well.

Akamaru suddenly raised his head from the pot and sniffed the air vigorously. Then he began to bark. "The auld leprechaun's comin' back." Kiba grumbled.

No sooner said, Jiraiya's heavy breathing and clumsy drunken scurrying through the undergrowth could be heard. He stumbled into the clearing wearing what we would today recognize as a green tuxedo and top hat. Unlike the rest of the crew, who wore leather boots that went almost to their knees, he wore a big green pair of modern dress shoes. Jiraiya smelled strongly of the local tavern. He collapsed as soon as he cleared the bushes, gallantly holding up a piece of paper. "I…." The old leprechaun, long hair and goatee white with age, threw up violently. "I….have…..a sack…..o' tatties." He promptly passed out face first in his own vomit.

"Bluddy hell, even I haven't evar seen him THAT smashed." Naruto said, hauling his mentor into an upright position, fixing his hair into its usual 'tail'. "It's a richt sham he did nuh bring any tatties wit'em, even Kiba can't fouk up tatties'n'mince….."

Shikamaru grabbed the paper from Jiraiya's hand. It was a poster that Jiraiya had snatched from the town news board. A small smile spread across his face as he read it. "Looks like Kakuzu is feeling generous. He's having a kunai throwing tournament- the Tournament of the Golden Kunai." He handed the poster to Choji.

"First prize of the Golden Kunai and 55,000 Golden Nobles?!?!?!?" Choji shouted. "This has got trap written all over it!!"

"Really?" Naruto asked, leaning in to see.

"No, you dunce, it's an expression."

Shikamaru glanced up at the sky, deep in thought. "Kakuzu thinks I'll enter the contest to win the prize. However, we can snatch the prize while it's out of the vaults and relatively unguarded. Everyone will be distracted by the tournament. But then again, this may be Kakuzu's true plan…."

"No, I think he means for you to enter the tournament." Choji muttered, reading the paper intently.

Shikamaru looked over to Choji with a smug smile on his face. "What's Kakuzu offering that I can't steal?"

"How about a kiss from the Lovely Maiden Temari?" Choji offered him the poster, and Shikamaru snatched it from him desperately. He focused his eyes on the part of the poster he had not read before: yes, there it was, right below the part about the Gold Nobles, **AND A KISS FROM THE FAIR MAIDEN TEMARI!** How could he have missed it?

"Temari? Wisnae she that lass we caught ye with doon in the Borderlands?" Kiba asked.

A flood of reminiscences washed back over him. Temari had always warranted a few minutes of his daily daydreaming, but the mention of a kiss brought memories of the night before he turned her back over to her father.

"Aye, she was." Choji answered.

Kiba noticed Shikamaru didn't answer. "They richt liked each other, dinnae they?"

Shikamaru felt himself blush. He folded up the poster and shoved it into his pocket. He rubbed his face nervously and stared into the fire. Maybe the others would think it was the heat of the fire that made his face red, and not the heat of his passions.

"Aye, they did. Might've even loved each other."

Naruto laid down his mentor and scratched his head. "Were nuh the twa o' them plannin' tah get wed?"

Shikamaru, no longer able to conceal his ardor, concentrated on recovering every vivid detail from that little piece of memory.

_It was a clear, starry night. The night sky was on display, flaunting the beauty of the constellations. The magnificence of the moon was plain to see, the Milky Way was laid bare in all its majesty. Below the heavens two young mortals, one a man, one a woman, gazed up, admiring the glory of creation._

"_Still think it's better to lie around all day, watching your silly little clouds?" she asked him. For days on end, she had nagged him to hurry up, to stop lying around and staring up at the clouds. He might've listened to her if he knew this was waiting for him._

"_I'll admit you were right on this, but only because I've never seen a night like this before in my life." He said. "Do you really think your father will go for this?"_

"_My father!? What does that old jackal have to do with you and me getting married?"_

"_I'm just saying, it's going to be a major drawback if he doesn't approve."_

"_You've already got a hundred plans in your head to snatch me from my windowsill if he says no! Don't bother me with trivial niceties like my father's permission!"_

"_You know, I'd hate to have YOU as my daughter."_

"_That's why we're lovers, you sloth-man!!"_

"_Troublesome woman……"_

_For the briefest moment, the mortals locked lips in a passionate embrace. They spent the rest of the night in that position, the glamour of the heavens paled by the passions of human hearts. Morning would come. The mortals would join a third and travel in a carriage pulled by horses to a castle to the east. An old man would come out of the castle to take the woman away. And away from the young man he would keep her._

"He said they considered it, just to make sure they both didn't get stuck with someone worse, but….." Choji trailed off.

"But whit?"

"Politics. That's what." Shikamaru said bluntly. "Her father didn't like my father, because the Borderland clans don't like anybody, not even each other." He stood up, walked away from the fire and leaned against a tree. He looked over the woods, to the town of Konoham, where he knew that somewhere in the castle that rightfully belonged to him there slept a beautiful woman that would have been happy to be his wife. "We would've eloped, but she couldn't get her key from her father. The sad truth is that men and women cannot truly choose each other in this day and age."

The rest of the crew lowered their heads in contemplation. There was no doubt now that Shikamaru was going to enter the tournament.

Check the first chapter for the author's note if you haven't already. Things might not make sense otherwise. If you're confused about the key Shikamaru's referring to, go watch Men in Tights. Then you'll get it.


	3. Tournament of the Golden Kunai Begins

It was high noon in Konoham, and in the castle overlooking the village, Temari was distraught. Today she was going to have to kiss some kunai throwing slob because her father, stubborn bastard he was, decided that it would be in her 'best interests'. She knew her 'best interests' didn't include having her lips rented out as a prize at tournaments, and her father knew it too. To make matters worse, Scrabbler, her one-eyed pet weasel, was nowhere to be found. Forced to search the castle with her newly appointed handmaidens, this was not her best day. She certainly wasn't wearing the clothes to go around on hand and knees: a short purple dress, with long flowing sleeves (the other Ladies said they made her look like a witch, she thought it suited her) and pale corselet bound with red cords wrapped snuggly around her belly. At least her pink and red leggings were holding out.

So far, she had searched the all the guest bedrooms, the drawing room and was now halfway through the massive family archives. The tall, imposing bookshelves shaped the corridors of the room, turning it into a daunting maze of a library. After all the hours she had spent searching, she was only halfway through! Temari had never seen so many books in one place in all her life, not even in the King's own personal library. And to think, all of this could have been hers if her father hadn't been so heartless…..

One of the books fell off the shelf, tumbling noisily to the floor. Temari turned. A small, furry head poked out from the gap the book used to occupy. The weasel, snow white as a consequence of a particularly long winter, turned its one seeing eye towards her. Releasing a squeal of glee, he scampered across the wall of volumes and leaped onto her shoulder. Scrabbler, cunning little beast he was, had found her. Temari did not appreciate the irony.

Sighing in irritation, she went to pick up the book Scrabbler had displaced. It had fallen open to a page on wild haggis. She picked it up, studying the page. There was an illustration of a haggis, a badger-like creature with its limbs longer on one side than the other. The dialogue was masterfully penned, describing how they spent all day running around the hills of Scotland. Was this a bestiary or a cookbook? She turned to the next page. There was an illustration of the Scottish sub-species of stone dragon basking in the moonlight. Definitely a bestiary. Temari briefly wondered if Shikamaru had ever read this book before quickly closing the bestiary and placing it back on the shelf. She walked off to prepare for the tournament, Scrabbler nuzzling her neck as she went.

She had always tried not to think about Shikamaru. Temari knew that their chances of getting married were at an all-time low; she was the daughter of the conceited Lord of Sundun, and he was the deposed Lord of Konoham. Even if he was still alive and her father was dead, they were still barred by class differences. But now that she was here, in the castle that was once his, in a library he surely sauntered, she could not help but give the lazy man her stray thoughts.

Temari passed the linens room on the way back to her bed chamber. As she did, one of her handmaidens, the one with the brown hair, stuck her head out. "We're having no luck at all finding…oh." Her Irish accent was subdued by her formal education, but it was still noticeable in the musicality of her inflection. "I see you found him then."

"Yes. Go call the other girl off……" Temari struggled to remember the girl's name. "Tenten." She continued to her chambers while the handmaiden scuttled off to find the other one…..with the dark blue hair…..Hinata. That was the other one's name. She recalled that the two handmaidens were related somehow. But they weren't sisters or cousins, no; they were related by marriage. Tenten was married to Neji O'Higgins, and Hinata was Neji's cousin. But who were the O'Higgins? Temari did not pay much attention to the politics of Ireland, but she had heard her brothers speak of the O'Higgins clan. It seemed that they were the largest noble family in Ireland, and leading contenders for the Irish throne. Neji and Tenten served as ambassadors, perhaps to impede Kakuzu's growth of power long enough for one of their Dukes to be crowned King of Ireland. Tenten was certainly dressed for the part, what with her hair up in a pair of buns, wearing that white and red dress, flowing down to her ankles like a misty waterfall. Why Hinata was here was beyond her.

Hinata sat in the stands overseeing the tournament, fiddling nervously with her fingers. Her hands were bound in her arm stockings, while her elaborate corselet and purple skirt denoted her as a higher ranking member of the O'Higgins. A few of the locals had decided to compete, but most of the contestants were from Kakuzu's mercenary army. They were foul-smelling men from foreign nations, scarred by battle, who could be bought for an astoundingly low price. They scared her.

Neji also sat in the stands. His ruffled white shirt failed to hide that he was of a lower branch of his noble family, just as his dark auburn jacket and pants could not conceal his confined demeanor. But his pale, misty eyes could hide the fact that his concern was split in two directions. On one hand, he had to mind his cousin Hinata. If anything were to happen to her, great tragedy would befall his family…..especially him. She was an exceptionally important figure, and his father had already died defending her. On the other hand, Shikamaru, the local hero of the people, had gotten the brilliant idea of entering the tournament. Without even putting on a disguise! "The guards don't know I look like." He had said. "A disguise would be a waste of effort."

As a low-ranking noble married to a woman only one step up from commoners, Neji was in a prime position to be a hero of the people himself: low enough to be free of the insidious web of politics, but high enough to have some actual sway over the course of events and motivated by having been treated like dirt before. Admittedly, he had abused his power for the good of the populace in the past. That is why Shikamaru sought him out, certainly. It had been an incredible leap of faith for him to make, trusting Neji not only to enter him into the tournament, but also to not sell him out to King Kakuzu. The potential benefits were tempting, but it was clear to Neji that the more trouble Shikamaru and his hoodlums caused the less Kakuzu could focus on claiming lands outside his immediate rule such as Ireland. Still, Shikamaru's moniker troubled him. "Robbin' Hood?" Neji murmured to himself. "Is he trying to get himself killed?"

Temari came to sit in the stands, followed by Tenten. Temari's hair was done up neatly in 4 ponytails, a homage to Tenten's nimble fingers. Usually she did this herself, but she had always found her golden hair bands (a childhood gift from her now deceased mother) difficult enough to warrant assistance. Temari also had the great misfortune of being forced to sit between the Ladies Sakura Cooke and Ino Legge.

_EVERYBODY _ had heard the story about Sakura and Ino. On a 3 year trip to Ireland, they had both fallen in love with a young Irish nobleman with dark hair and a terse attitude. Naturally, they fought over him the way most Ladies do, trying to outdo each other in the various fields of womanhood. As a result, their waists were distorted from wearing corsets that did not fit them, their feet warped from shoes a size too small, and their friendship for each other twisted into an ugly rivalry. Rumors had it that the nobleman in question got in a bar fight with someone with a suspiciously strong resemblance to Naruto O'Malley….the same rumors said the nobleman did not survive the fight. Still, the grudge between the Ladies had only faded to the point of acrimony, and remained blatantly obvious to this day.

Shikamaru had once known Ino. Their fathers once formed a trio with Choji's father, and spent a lot of time together when they were young. He had told her that it was sad to see a childhood friend go mad. As the Ladies began to spit insults about each other, Temari took out her fan, waved it in front of her face and sighed. Scrabbler crawled out from one of her pockets and onto her shoulder. He sniffed the air with vigor and sprawled in the glory of the midday sunshine, drifting into a deep slumber. At least he was enjoying this.

High above the stands, in a balcony overlooking the courtyard, King Kakuzu sat in a commandeered throne and wore a stolen crown. His robes, a rich shade of royal purple, could not hide his heinous nature, as the hair on his head writhed like live serpents. His foul green eyes darted back and forth, searching. Yes, there was his Sheriff Hidan, contestant 21. Kakuzu scowled at Hidan's poofy white shirt, silver-laced black vest and ostentatious red pants. He had told him not to dress up! A closer examination revealed that he was wearing high leather boots and a purple tricorne hat with a large ostrich feather. Kakuzu cursed under his breath. He should've known from the Frenchman's curly mustache and goatee that he would not be one to follow a strict dress code.

Kakuzu scanned the contestants, looking for……ah! Yes. Kakuzu smiled. Shikamaru had decided to show up after all. It appeared that he had brought his entire ragtag pack of bandits with him. And no disguise even! Kakuzu's trap had worked far better than he anticipated. Shikamaru would regret this day.

He signaled Kisame. The blue, shark-like man nodded briefly and disappeared. Momentarily, trumpets began to blare. The Tournament of the Golden Kunai had begun.


	4. Troublesome Woman

**DISCLAIMER/WARNING/APOLOGY IN ADVANCE:**

What Hidan's speaking is supposed to be what the thickest French accent possible sounds like. Likewise, Kisame is speaking the thickest German accent possible. The terribleness of their accents and how retarded they sound is not reflective of Mark's opinion of and/or attitude towards France and/or Germany. I'm just trying to be funny, damnit.

* * *

The mercenary army was terrible. Out of the 745 in the tournament, only 482 managed to hit the targets at all. Temari remarked that she should be in the contest, and none of them. Ino made up some witty remark about her being the prize and returned to her banter with Sakura.

The locals weren't bad. A few of them got within two rings of the center. The audience of commoners that had gathered cheered loudly when the local dart throwing champion, Shino the Blind Kunai Thrower, came within one ring of the bull's-eye.

Then came Sheriff Hidan. He strode cockily up to Shino as he was slowly walking back to rejoin the other contestants, flaunting his flamboyant cloths in front of his unseeing eyes. He began to speak in his ludicrously thick French accent: "Tres bon, mon ami! Dzat was not bad for a bleend man. But Ee muss con-fess, eet ees no-dzeeng com-pared to moi!" With that, he turned and threw his kunai.

It hit the ring outside the bull's-eye.

Hidan's face changed from arrogant and smug to indignant and fuming.

"SACRE BLEU!" he shouted loudly. "MERDE! TABERNAC TABERNAC TABERNAC!" He waved his arms around like a madman. The commoner audience laughed bawdily. Angrily, he stared out at them, like a dog having been denied a particularly juicy piece of meat. "You all dzeenk dzat was funny, non? Let's see un of you heet dzat steen-keeng bull's eye!" He turned around, enraged, and stomped back to the crowd. As he did, the next contestant left the crowd. Hidan glanced briefly at him. As they passed, something clicked in his mind. He turned his head to study him, stroking his goatee curiously. He seemed familiar to him…..

Temari had watched the procession with little interest. Given the results so far, she knew that there was no way she would end up kissing one of the greasy mercenary scum, which was a relief. She'd probably end up kissing one of the locals; the blind one had the best chances. Then again, he had done no better than Hidan. She shuddered, thinking of his sickening smile and nauseating lips.

Then the next contestant departed the crowd. There was something instantly familiar about him to Temari, the way he moved so calmly and wore his hair in a ponytail. At first, she paid no more attention to him then she did all the others, but his familiarity warranted a second look. She eyed his hat, and then his vest. She had seen a profile like his before, but the beard didn't quite fit. Yet…..everything about him seemed to sing 'Shikamaru'. She turned to Tenten sitting behind her. "Who is that?"

"Him? Not sure. Calls himself 'Robbin' Hood'."

Temari turned back…just in time to see the contestant's kunai hit the dead center of the bull's-eye. The commoners went wild, cheering even louder then they did for Shino. Her eyes darted back to the contestant. He had turned to face her and was grinning cheerfully. He had a coy look in his eye, and he subtly, oh so subtly, mouthed 'troublesome woman' at her. Temari's face turned to an expression of flattered shock. 'Troublesome woman', Shikamaru's secret way of telling her he loved her. There was no doubt that it was him.

"I think she fancies him."

Temari snapped back to reality and quickly covered her blushing face with her fan. It appeared that Sakura and Ino had stopped tearing each other apart and focused on her.

"Oh, come now, Temari, there's no shame in being partial to a handsome contender."

"Looks like he stands the best chance of winning, if he keeps this up."

"Oh, you lucky girl you!"

While Ino and Sakura continued to chatter away to Temari's displeasure, a slick smile spread across the face of Sheriff Hidan as he twirled his mustache villainously. Yes, the man's face was the same as those that ruled Konoham before him. The trap had worked; that thieving rat Shikamaru was in his grasp! A quick glance at the crowd confirmed that the rest of his bandit gang had tagged along. Cackling fiendishly, he walked back through the crowd and into the shade of an elm tree, where Kisame was waiting in his Prussian blue cape. "Kees-amee! We have dun eet! Shee-ka-ma-ru and hees no good band of cree-meen-als fell for dze trap!"

"Vat?" the German asked. "Vere is he den? I to not see him anyvere!"

"He ees reeght over dzere, een dze green vest, with dze green hat!"

"Mein Gott! You are right!" Kisame gasped. He immediately threw a kunai at Shikamaru. However, Shino plucked it out of the air long before it got to Shikamaru's head.

Naruto, who had been standing near Shino at that particular moment, noticed Shino's catch. "Bluddy hell! How'd ya do that?"

"It was easy." The blind man said. "I could've heard it coming from a mile away."

Angry, Hidan drove his knee into Kisame's groin. "Eed-eeot! What deed you dzeenk you were do-eeng?"

"But you sait it vas Shikamaru!"

"Non, Kees-amee! We muss stee-ck to dze plan!"

"Ve must vait until he has von to kill him, den?"

"Oui! We must….." Hidan's face suddenly turned to confusion. "Euuuhhhh…..Shee-ka-ma-ru must ween for dze plan to work?"

"Ja, mein freud."

Hidan stroked his goatee. He knew that his dislike of Kakuzu was mutual, but to have so little faith in his capabilities to build a plan that relied upon his failure? Surely, Kakuzu did not think of him that way! "Euh…what would we do dzen eef Ee were to ween?"

Kisame burst out laughing. "Ho ho ha ha ha! Fery funny! Dat vas a fery goot one, mein freud!" He fell over and continued laughing. Hidan felt very, very insulted.

Alright, this is going to sound cheesy, but you know how in The Princess Bride, every time Wesley said "As you wish" to Buttercup, he meant "I love you"? I'm surprised I've never seen a fanfiction where "Troublesome woman" has the same meaning between Shikamaru and Temari, so I decided to make it part of my own. It was going to happen sooner or later, might as well be me who does the deed. Who knows, maybe I'll be the start of a trend…..


	5. The Tournament Proceeds

**DISCLAIMER/WARNING/APOLOGY IN ADVANCE:**

See previous chapter.

Kakuzu cackled softly in his throne. For hours on end Shikamaru won every round, each time with the kunai in the center of the bull's-eye. And each round brought him closer to his doom. Shikamaru had been blinded by love. The fool!

In the stands, Sakura and Ino continued their tirade. Temari tried to ignore them, but found it hard, even when she realized Ino's idiocy for not recognizing a childhood friend. She almost considered sicking Scrabbler on one of them. They were right; every time Shikamaru hit the bull's-eye, she felt a little smile crawl across her face. But that didn't mean they weren't annoying as hell. Determined to steer their focus away from her, she turned to Hinata, who was staring intensely at the crowd. "So, which one do you like then?"

"Hm?" Hinata suddenly snapped out of her trance and blushed deeply. "I….uh….I…."

"Oh, she's got a favorite too!"

"Well, out with it then: Who is he?"

Hinata's blush grew even redder as she pointed at Naruto.

In the crowd of competitors, Kiba was laid back on Akamaru, polishing his claymore again, when he suddenly noticed what the ladies in the stands were doing. He rolled his head in Naruto's direction. "Hey, Naruto!" The blond turned his way, and he pointed to the stands. "I ken ane of the lassies in the stands likes ye."

"Really?" Naruto gazed over to the stands. 4 women were pointing to him and giggling. "Which ane is it?"

"Probably the ane's that's blushin' hardest."

Naruto focused on the faces. The reddest face belonged to a fair skinned girl with dark hair. "Ah, I see 'er now. I think I'ave seen 'er before….." They locked eyes, with him observing her pale eye color, and her getting lost in a familiar ocean of jovial blue. "Think she's Hinata O'Higgins! Ah joy! I have nuh seen 'er in years!" He waved affably with a big cheesy grin on his face and, with an embellished twist of his head, winked vivaciously.

Hinata passed out.

Naruto freaked. "BLUDDY HELL! ANE WINK AND SHE'S OUT LIKE THA DOG!" Akamaru rolled over and made 3 short barks. Kiba suddenly started laughing loudly. Naruto turned to him. "OH, WHIT DO YOU THINK IS SO BLEEDIN' FUNNY?"

"He said…." Kiba's laughter intensified, and he had to take another breath before resuming speech. "He said ye should go ower there and loosen her corselet. That'll be sure tae wake her up!"

Naruto paused, thinking about what Kiba had said. "Why, that's a great idea! I think I'll go do that!" At that, Naruto gallantly strode over to the stands. Kiba laughed even harder.

"Aw, blimey! I cannae believe it! The lad disnae have any brains in his noggin!"

Choji was not amused by this. He was far too worried to be amused by anything. Guards were everywhere. Keeping his hand firm on the handle of his giant flail, he leaned into Shikamaru's ear. "You're sure everything's going to go according to plan? The guards look a little bit antsy…"

Shikamaru chuckled quietly. "Of course they look antsy. Kakuzu's ordered them all to stand down, and they're all wondering why they can't just kill me here and now."

"And you trust them to follow his command?"

"Hidan hates me more than any else Kakuzu commands. If anyone was going to do it, it would be him, and he hasn't struck me down." Shikamaru commented dryly. "Sure, he's saving me for a more humiliating death later, but I'm safe for now." He eyed Hidan, who had just thrown his second to last kunai and hit just outside the bull's-eye again. Naturally, he was leaping around, waving his arms, and swearing very loudly in French. The audience ate it up. Angrily, Hidan stomped his way back to the crowd. As he passed, Shikamaru stopped him. "You're the Sheriff around here, aren't you?"

Hidan glowered at him with enraged eyes. "Oui! Ee am dze Sher-eeff of Ko-no-ham! Can you not tell by dze way ev-ery-one calls me dze Sher-eeff of Ko-no-ham!?!!?!?"

"You've been having some trouble with some bandits I seem to recall." Shikamaru carried on. "Could it have been the former Lord of Konoham, Shikamaru Nara?"

"SHEE-KA-MA-RU NA-RA!" Hidan shouted. "Ee curse dzat name!"

"Why you are you having so much trouble catching him? Does he keep outsmarting you or something?"

"EEM-PU-DENT ROD-ENT!" Hidan reached for Shikamaru's throat. "WHEN EE GET MY HANDS ON YOU-" he stopped suddenly. Realizing what he was doing, he calmed down, recollected himself, and resumed talking. "Euuhh…what Ee mean to say ees…..when Ee get my hands on HEEM, we weell see how cun-eeng HE really ees." He walked off into the crowd, swearing quietly as he went.

Shikamaru smiled calmly. Behind him, Choji shook his head. "You're really making the most of this, aren't you?"

"What else do am I supposed to do?" Shikamaru responded. He walked to the firing line and took his shot. The audience roared and Hidan's swearing grew much louder as Shikamaru got yet another bull's-eye. He breathed a sigh of relief, turning to the stands. He looked Temari straight in the eye, and she looked back. He tipped his hat to her, and returned to the crowd. She waved her fan contently, giggling softly, ignoring the chaos behind her.


	6. In Which Revelations Are Had

**DISCLAIMER/WARNING/APOLOGY IN ADVANCE:**

See chapter 4.

Also, sorry for taking so long. These chapters are getting harder to write, I think I'm going to have to upload bi-weekly instead of weekly from now on. Remember, I'm taking longer so that you people get a higher quality read!

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Neji and Tenten tried to revive Hinata with increasing desperation. Just as they (and over-enthusiastic onlookers Ladies Sakura and Ino) began to lose hope, a blond, shirtless man with muttonchops and orange pants came out of nowhere. Effortlessly moving to Hinata, he reached around her back and pulled her corselet strings loose. To the amazement of all those looking on, Hinata's eyes suddenly and she gasped deeply. She clung passionately to her savior, who didn't seem to notice. Or maybe he did notice, and that's why he was smiling so hard. Sakura and Ino recognized him as the man she had been pointing at earlier, giggled softly. But for the first time in his life, Neji recognized him as someone else entirely. He drew Tenten aside, under the shade of an archway.

"What is it?"

"Does that lad remind you of anyone?"

"Isn't he that trickster Naruto from our days in Clontarf?"

"He is, but who does he [I]_remind[/I] _you of?"

Tenten stared intently at the blond as he laughed merrily. Her eyes suddenly widened in shock as she mentally compared Naruto's face to a glass stain of the face of the preceding King of Ireland she had seen in the church she had married Neji in. The resemblance was uncanny. She covered her mouth to hide the gasp. "The Heir….to the Irish Throne…."

Neji lowered his head, part in confirmation, part in shame. "For so many years, the noble families of Ireland have been spilling each other's blood in mad attempts to claim the throne. And all this time, the Rightful Heir was running around like a feral animal in the fields of Clontarf."

Tenten leaned in closer to him. "Why did we never see this before?"

"We were children. We weren't smart enough, and he hadn't grown into all of his father's features yet." Neji raised his chin to get a clearer view of Naruto. Hinata was snuggled up against him like a thick quilt on a frigid day. "If he truly is fated to be the King, perhaps his interest in my cousin would prove…..beneficial….to the O'Higgins family."

"Are we to speak of this again?"

"No. We cannot risk someone chancing to overhear us. Perhaps when he has escaped to the woods……but until then, the best we can do is to keep silent, and see what fate delivers." Neji said, moving briskly back to the stands, where Naruto was spouting off an astonishing tale, which was made even more amazing by the virtue that it was completely true.

"And that's the story of how I heard the Song of the Banshee and lived to tell about it." He said, throwing his arms up in a dramatic climax. As they came down, one inadvertently wrapped itself around Hinata. He didn't seem to notice this, but this action made Hinata blush even harder.

Kisame, standing on a high plateau, blasted a loud horn and, reading from a piece of paper, shouted at full volume. "De 2 final competitors in de tournament are….." He gestured to Hidan. "Hitan, de honorable Sheriff of Konoham!"

Hidan jumped from the crowd, waving gleefully at the audience, who booed him loudly. His smiling face turned to a frowning one. "DZE NEXT EED-EEOT DZAT BOOS ME WEELL BE ARR-EST-ED FOR TREA-SON TO DZE ROY-AL CROWN!" And the audience fell silent.

Kisame resumed his shouting. "Ant…..de no-goot criminal Shikamaru Nar-uuuummmph!" Kisame clamped his hands to his mouth at the last second. Suddenly aware of his fatal error, his eyes darted around nervously as he sweated copiously. Hidan had his face buried deep in his palm, shaking his head, cursing quietly in French. Kakuzu's veins looked ready to burst as he gave Kisame the death stare. Desperately, Kisame's eyes turned to Shikamaru. The man seemed relaxed, indifferent to the fact that his identity had just been announced for all to hear. Maybe he hadn't heard. A high note of hope rose in Kisame's heart: there WAS a chance for him to save himself! As fast and subtly as he could, he removed a blank piece of paper and a primitive pen from his pocket. He then proceeded to scribble 'List of people dat I am planning to kill….. de no-goot criminal Shikamaru Nara' on the paper. Then he laughed. "I am so fery, fery sorry eferyone! I vas accitentally reating dis list of people dat I am planning to kill insteat of de name of de oder competitor in de tournament! Vat a crazy mix up!" he shouted, waving the newly inked paper around for all to see. Believing that his trick had worked, he turned to his first paper and carried on. "Ant de oder competitor is de goot not-criminal Robbin' Hoot!"

Shikamaru left the crowd and the audience, who completely bought Kisame's lies, cheered loudly. But the attitude was different in the stands.

Temari began to wonder why Shikamaru had even bothered hiding his name in the first place. He clearly wasn't hiding from her. But he couldn't be hiding from the authorities either. They had recognized him as clearly as she had. If the authorities were looking for him, surely they would have tried to take him in by now. Who was he hiding from? There really wasn't even a reason for him to be hiding at all. If he had gotten in trouble with the law, he had allies he could've turned to and numerous opportunities to write her a letter or something to inform her of his outlaw status. Sure, he was a deposed lord, but not a disgraced lord. And why did that German try to cover Shikamaru up?

Tenten and Neji became worried for Shikamaru's life. The guards definitely knew he was here now, there was no mistaking it. But why wasn't Shikamaru already a dead man then? For what reason would Kakuzu commit his men NOT to kill Shikamaru on sight? Nothing of course, other than a precisely timed humiliating execution. But there was no way Shikamaru couldn't be onto them by now, right? Each landed at a different conclusion. Tenten, who was free of bias, thought that Shikamaru was aware of this, but was not sure what to do about it. Neji, who had a pessimistic bias, thought that Shikamaru was a madman running towards the gallows.


	7. To the Victor Go the Spoils

**DISCLAIMER/WARNING/APOLOGY IN ADVANCE:**

See chapter 4

Sorry for uploading so late in the day, but the physical world often interferes with my obligations to the cyber realm.

* * *

Hidan stared intensely at the bull's-eye. He slowly brought his arm back. Then, in a lightning flash, he threw the kunai and – for the first time in the tournament – hit the bull's-eye. And this was not just any old bull's-eye: the most accurate and precise measuring tools of the era would have measured the kunai to be at the EXACT center of the bull's eye. A look of uncontainable mirth spread across his face. He laughed loudly and danced his crazy French dance in front of the audience. Their sour faces did not dampen his mood the slightest (in fact, it may have made him even happier). He danced back to and around Shikamaru. "Haun hon hon! Ee dzeenk ee have feen-a-lee bee-ten you, Mee-ster Ro-bee-n Hood! Dzat shot just sealed dze whole deal: dze go-old-en no-bells, dze keess from dze Faeer May-den Teh-mar-ee….."

"I wonder if I could split your kunai in half with my kunai."

Hidan stopped dancing. "Eeuuuhhhhhhhhhh……what was dzat you just saeed?"

Shikamaru eyed the target carefully. "It'd be troublesome, but if I hit your kunai right in the center and it keeps going straight….." He stroked his beard pensively. "I'd probably be declared champion on the spot for that."

"NON! NON NON NON NON NON NON!"

"Yeah, you're probably right. But then again, it's getting close to sunset. Kakuzu, wanting to get the tournament finished before the feast, will tell the administrators to finish this quickly. The administrators, seeing that I have gotten nothing but bull's-eyes and that you hit the bull's-eye only once, will declare me the winner." Shikamaru said, pulling his arm back to throw his kunai.

Hidan was enraged. To him, Kakuzu and his plan no longer mattered. He had been humiliated by this man countless times. Every time the tax caravans were robbed, it was because Hidan had so far failed to capture Shikamaru. The happiness of the children playing in the streets, pretending that they were Shikamaru and his 'Band of Manly Men' as they were called, was a reminder of his failure, a mockery of him it seemed at times. Everyday, he was booed like the villain he made himself, while Shikamaru was cheered on as the hero he was. Today was only an exaggeration of what Hidan experienced on a constant basis. Only today was going to end with Hidan's victory. Bitter and indignant after his prolonged humiliation, Hidan decided to give Shikamaru a taste of things to come. He kicked him in the back of the knee, causing him to fall backwards and throw his kunai skywards.

All looking on were quite traumatized, some more than others. Everyone immediately voiced their own unique displeasure. The crowd and the audience let loose a desperate, if not slightly angry, jeer. Choiji bellowed as if on a battlefield, seeing his lifelong brother in arms fall by an enemy's cruel trick. Kiba shouted as if he had been cheated of his dinner. Naruto hollered as if his family heirlooms (if you get my meaning) were being trampled by wild horses. Hinata gasped as if someone had just burst into flames. Neji and Tenten choked back bitter verbal abuse as if the strings of politics had literally sewn their mouths shut. Sakura and Ino shrieked as if they were losing their precious Irish nobleman all over again and fainted. But the most forlorn of all was the scream of Temari, who had just experienced the full brunt of the bait and switch. If you do not believe this, ask Scrabbler. He was having a nice dream when she let the banshee's wail loose.

Even though Kisame clasped his hands to his face as he squealed his panicked yelp, and even as Kakuzu hollered in rage, Hidan was silent. There was nothing left to be said, nor could his joy be expressed with any word or sound. He just smiled wickedly, walking away as if he had done nothing.

But just as the night is most dark before the dawn, it was in this moment of defeat that Shikamaru found a victory greater than even he could have predicted. Preparing for any snags in his plan, he had brought with him 2 more kunai than he would need to complete the tournament. Losing no time, he threw the first of his spares upwards to deflect the original kunai downwards. As the weapons collided, the sound of metal clashing caused all to look up and stop their caterwauling. Hidan turned, shocked beyond belief as he saw the kunai hurtle down to the target. Shikamaru threw his second spare to correct its trajectory, and it split Hidan's kunai clean in half.

For a while, there was complete silence. The surprise of Shikamaru's turn around, combined with the sheer awesomeness of what he had done, had stunned everyone. But it could not last very long. Choji let loose his distinctive victory cry, and in a heartbeat the courtyard was filled with a joyous roar that dwarfed the pitiful wailing that had preceded it. In the stands, Temari sighed a heavy breath of relief. Fate had chosen for her the lesser of 2 evils. Scrabbler, unable to return to his slumber, stood up the best a one eyed weasel could, leaning on Temari's head, trying to look around. Neither of them noticed that Sakura and Ino had not recovered.

The sound of such powerful happiness grated Hidan's nerves. Was there no way for him to defeat this petty thief!?!? He sneered. No matter. Shikamaru was to be executed in a few minutes anyways. The mercenaries where already moving into position. This victory was his last. As Kisame pronounced "Robbin' Hoot: de vinner of de Tournament of de Golten Kunai!" Hidan walked off into the corridors leading within the castle to prepare his execution device.

A mercenary (the only clean one she had seen all day. Did Kakuzu have to bribe these thugs to bathe?) came to Temari, bearing the Golden Kunai on a purple silk pillow. She sighed, grabbing Scrabbler off her shoulder. "Would you hold onto him for me?" she said apathetically as she threw her weasel at the blond boy behind her, much to the displeasure of both. Begrudgingly, she accepted the pillow and walked over to the plateau that had been prepared yesterday for the award ceremony. All her life, she had resented ceremonies like this, where women were treated as property, prizes for men to win in games of skill. To this day, she had never fully accepted that she herself would eventually become one of those women: a bounty to lure skilled men with no woman of their own into contests for the amusement of others. The identity of the man could not remove the loathing of being treated like a thing instead of a person; in public at that! Her feet only moved because she was constantly reminding herself of something she and Shikamaru had agreed upon years earlier.

Lesser evil, she thought to herself. He's the lesser evil of men to me, and I'm the lesser evil of women to him. He was lazy, apathetic to the things around him and she was, as he so eloquently put it, 'troublesome'. But in the end, they both agreed, given the flawed nature of humanity, a man or woman with only one real fault was as good as it was ever going to get. The secret was being able to find someone with flaws you could tolerate.

Shikamaru walked up the red carpet that had been laid out earlier. He was enjoying this, wasn't he? When they first met, they had gotten into the bad habit of getting onto each other's nerves for their own amusement. Yes, he would just absolutely LOVE claiming her as property before the masses. She knew she somehow get back at him for this, but the smug smile on his face made her want to rip his intestines out. Lesser evil, Temari. Lesser evil.

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Keep your eyes open, because the next chapter's got a twist ending!


	8. In Which The Trap is Sprung

**DISCLAIMER/WARNING/APOLOGY IN ADVANCE:**

See chapter 4. Ditto for comments concerning either nation.

Naruto beamed eccentrically as he saw Shikamaru move in for the kiss. He had always been a fan of romantic happy endings. Problem was, this was the first time he had seen one outside of a fairy tale, and he was tearing up with joy. "Come on, do nuh cry Naruto. It's nuh manly to cry…." He forced his eyes to shut in a futile attempt to stop the tears from flowing, missing the kiss. "I must nuh cry, I must nuh cry…." He suddenly heard a struggle, and remembered that this had all just been a set-up by Kakuzu to capture Shikamaru. His eyes burst open and, sure enough, saw a cluster of guards dragging the couple apart. Scrabbler screeched in horror and leaped off Naruto's shoulder to save his mistress from those smelly men in metal. Panicking, Naruto bolted up, slipping free of Hinata's cling, and grabbed a pole from behind the stands. "I'M SO SORRY MISS BUT I GOT TO GO!" He shouted frantically. He pole-vaulted into the gathering mob of guards, letting out a mighty war cry. One unfortunate guard turned to look at him, only to be kicked very hard in the face.

Choji had been the first to get into battle, swinging around his flail, crunching the skulls of the mercenaries like grain under the millstone. Kiba and Akamaru had been quick to follow, Kiba swinging around his claymore to cut down the scum, and Akamaru mauling them with his mouth. Naruto compensated by joining in the fight last with his sheer speed and the great range of his weapon.

A cluster of mercenaries hid behind a wall, with their Prussian sergeant spurring them onward. "Come on, de king toes not pay us to stant arount like a bunch of ninnies!"

"But sergeant, others getting butchered right and left!" said Svjornborg, the blond skinny Swedish lieutenant explained exasperatedly.

"Well, of course! Dat is to be expecded ven ve are trying to take dem alife!"

"Can't we-"

"Vo is vearing de sergeant's helmet, Svjornborg?"

"But I has better strategy!"

"Me, dat's vo!"

"With all due respect sergeant," said Thrunfir, a tall, heavily built red head with a massive beard from the west coast of Norway, "perhaps you should at least listen to what he's trying to say. It might be useful."

The sergeant eyed the Swedish disdainfully, demanding that he state his strategy. Svjornborg gladly complied, holding up his axe. "Wait for them to get tired, I sneak up behind them and hit them with blunt side of axe, yah?"

"Vy, dat is preposterous!" The sergeant yelled before turning towards the fray. A nameless mercenary lost his sword arm to Kiba's claymore, and the soldier's broadsword flew out of his severed grasp. The blade plunged into the sergeant's throat, skewering his neck. He collapsed to the ground a limp corpse.

Svjornborg calmly plucked the helmet from the fallen sergeant's head and placed it on his own. "I am sergeant now, yah?"

As Naruto began to tire, his technique began to get sloppy, and less mercenaries fell to his blows. The staff snapped like a dry twig on the head of a heavily armored mercenary. The eyes of the mercenary, hidden behind his helmet, glowered mercilessly at the blond as he raised his mace to cave in his skull. As the steel weapon swung down, Naruto broke what remained of his staff on the mercenary's knee, throwing him off balance and causing him to miss. Before he had time to recover, Naruto had thrown the mercenary over his shoulder, face first into another attacking mercenary. Exhaustion creeping into his body, Naruto fell to his knees, losing focus of everything around him. It was at this time that he felt the blunt side of a Swedish axehead hit the back of his head and send him into a world of darkness. When he returned, he was covered in chains.

* * *

Kakuzu chuckled quietly. There was Shikamaru and his allies, all tied up by his cheap thugs (10 sterlings per soldier, and they still aren't worth what he paid them for!) unable to escape his grasp. This filthy criminal had robbed him of far too much taxes (with the money he had stolen, Kakuzu could have filled 2 of his empty swimming pools!) for him to let him live another day. He and his dastardly band of thieves would all be executed by Hidan's new 'revolutionary' execution device (revolutionary or not, it had better work this time! Hidan was 3 times over budget, and tax money didn't collect itself!) before the horror-struck village of Konoham! His quiet chuckling started to grow into maniacal laughter, but quieted down again as he focused on the words of that infernal woman he had used to lure out Shikamaru.

"Shikamaru!" Temari screamed. The mercenaries refused to let go of her, refused to let her go to her lover's side. "Why are they doing this to you?!!? What have you done now?!?!"

Kisame calmly walked up beside her and began to read aloud from a parchment in his hand. "Shikamaru Nara has committet dree huntret ant tventy six robberies for a grant total of ofer tvo huntret dousant golt nobles."

"WHAT?!!?"

Shikamaru wriggled his neck free from the grip of the mercenary's gauntlet as he felt Temari's eyes focus on him. "Rob the rich to feed the poor."

"You fool! You're risking your life for a bunch of ungrateful peasants?!?!"

"I had to do it! Kakuzu's taxing the people to death. It would've been wrong to stand by idly."

There fell a moment of silence between then. It was then that Hidan chose to stride in. His outfit was of a more macabre sort, with a long dark cloak covering his body and a black mask covering the upper half of his face. His black Mousquetaire made him look like a whimsical grim reaper. He pulled behind him a long, tall contraption covered by a large cloth. "Haun hon hon! Eet seems dze joke ees on you, SHEE-KA-MA-RU!" he laughed menacingly, pulling the cloth off his machine. "Behold! An exe-cu-teeon ma-ch-eene centurees a-head of eet's teeme!" he said, flourishing his hands theatrically "Ee call eet…." He paused for dramatic effect. "Dze GUILLOTINE!"

Kiba suddenly burst from the pile of 30 or so mercenaries holding him down**. "GUILLOTINE!?! I DINNAE CARE WHIT COUNTRY YER FROM, THAT'S A BLOODY FOUKIN' SCOTTISH MAIDEN, YE CHEESE EATIN' SURRENDER MONKEY!"** A hand reached up and pulled him back down into the horde.

"You sadistic bastard!" Temari screeched.

"Ah, ma petit fleur, you need not worry a-bout your peet-ee-ful boy toy dy-eeng a slow and paeen-ful death. Ee can ass-ure you dzat dzees ma-ch-eene weell de-cap-ee-tate heem faster dzan any tra-dee-teeon-al method!" Hidan said with a dismissive gesture. "Actually…." He turned to Shikamaru. "Ee know dzat we are by no means amis, but….dze guillotine, she cuts so fast, you meeeeeeeght not die eem-meed-eeate-ly. So, eef dze blade comes down, and your head comes off but you are not yet dead, could you…eeeuuuhhhhh…..geeve me a seeg-nal, so dzat Ee know eef dze guillotine ees too fast, oui?"

Shikamaru shook his head. "You're not getting me into that thing."

Hidan felt his rage rise. "You eem-pu-dent fool! Can you not see dzat dzere ees no way to esc-ape from me dzees teeme!?!?!"

* * *

Kakuzu was gleefully listening on the details of Hidan's conversation when Neji abruptly entered his balcony. He turned impatiently to the intruding Irishman. "FOOL! How _dare_ you come before me without warning! What matter is so dire that you _**DARE **_disturb the King of England unannounced?!?!!?"

Neji, exhausted from climbing several flights of stairs, threw himself at Kakuzu's feet. "Sire, you _must _spare the blond one!"

"What???!?! Why must I spare him?"

"He's very important to the political dispute going on in Ireland right now! His safe return to the Emerald Isle will end many blood feuds and save countless lives!"

Kakuzu raised an interested eyebrow. "Would Ireland be willing to pay for his safe return?"

"Yes, but at the moment, Ireland is dead broke…."

"_**THEN THE BLOND ONE WILL BE EXECUTED HERE AND NOW!"**_

"BUT SIRE, THEY'LL HAVE MY HEAD IF I DON'T BRING HIM BACK!!!!"

"_**SILENCE! THE KING OF ENGLAND HAS SPOKEN!!!! MY WILL AND MY WORD SHALL BE OBEYED!!!!!!"**_Kakuzu shouted scornfully at the Irishman. Infuriated, he turned back to face forward…..only to receive the shock of his life.

* * *

Svjornborg isn't a stand in for Deidara, nor is Thrunfir a stand in for Sasori. That's just me playing adding more European groups to the mix for my own amusement. When the rest of the Akatsuki members make their appearances, they'll be properly named. Also, sorry I couldn't squeeze in detailed combat for Kiba and Choji, but I promise you'll be getting some of that later. Keep up the good work all; I've almost got 1K of views!


	9. The Dance of the Leprechaun

**DISCLAIMER/WARNING/APOLOGY IN ADVANCE:**

See chapter 4

Before Kakuzu danced a tall man better known as Jiraiya O'Flaherty the Abnormally Large and Perverted Leprechaun. This surprised Kakuzu (to say the very least) who jumped out of his throne from shock, emitting a loud "BWWWWAAAAAAAUUGH!" as he did so, capturing the attention of the masses below him.

The green leprechaun merely laughed at the sight of the panicking monarch. He continued his crazy dance, spouting witty remarks as he did. "Ah, what's the matter with you, little boy? Scared of the big bad boggy man? I'm just a big ol' fool in a green suit!"

Enraged, Kakuzu pulled his sword from his throne and swung it desperately at the green man. Jiraiya leapt away from his clumsy swing like a toad and landed on a building directly across the balcony, continuing his crazy dance. "WHO……WHAT….." Kakuzu yelled, pointing at the strange man, "_ARE_ YOU!?!?!?" He turned to Neji. "You're Irish. He's Irish. You should know this guy. What is he?"

Neji was nervous beyond belief. His parents had always told him that leprechauns weren't real, and that anyone who believed them was a fool. That's why he had always treated Naruto, who fervorously insisted that they were real, so badly. And yet, there was a leprechaun before his very eyes. For the first time in his life, he stuttered. "It….it's…it's a……le….le…lepre….."

At which point, Naruto shouted out very loudly "IT'S A FOUKIN' LEPRECHAUN!"

Jiraiya turned to his pupil and lifelong companion, speaking as if they had never met before. "Now listen 'ere, laddie! Leprechauns are wee folk that go 'round causing mischief and trouble wherever they roam. A Foukin' Leprechaun is a Leprechaun who likes to get his mischief in between ladies' silky-smooth legs and drown his troubles in several pints of ridiculously strong brews. Do you really think tat's whit I am? A Foukin' Leprechaun?"

"AYE!"

"NAY! I'M A **BIG** FOUKIN' LEPRECHAUN!"

"YER A BIG FOUKIN' LEPRECHAUN!!!"

Kakuzu scratched his stubbled chin pensively. "A leprechaun? As in the small Irish fey folk that has to give you all his gold when you catch him?" Without a second thought, he pulled out the large arsenal of throwing weapons that he always kept on his person and began to chuck them at the dancing leprechaun. Jiraiya skillfully dodged every kunai, knife, short sword and shuriken thrown his way. Kakuzu stood, exhausted by the throwing, enraged by the missing. "YOU IGNOBLE SAVAGE! HOW _**DARE**_ YOU DODGE EVERYTHING I THROW AT YOU!!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THESE COST ME?!?!?!"

"Well, last time I checked, you could get 50 kunai for a sack o'wheat grains….."

"A SACK OF WHEAT GRAINS?!?!?!?!? YOU SPEAK OF IT AS IF IT IS WORTHLESS!!!!!! DO YOU KNOW NOTHING OF THE RISING PRICE OF WHEAT??!?!?!"

And it was at that moment that Hidan saw it. "YOUR MA-JES-TEE! YOU MUST NOT PUR-SUE DZE LE-PRE-CHAUN! EET EES A TREEK!!!!" He yelled at his king, jumping up and down, waving his arms wildly.

Kakuzu turned to his sheriff. "What? A trick?"

"OUI, A TREEK!" He pointed to Shikamaru. "DZEES WAS SHEE-KA-MA-RU'S PLAN DZE WHOLE TEEME! EEF YOU CHASE DZE LEP-RE-CHAUN, DZE MER-CEN-AREES WEEL FOLLOW, GEE-VEENG SHEE-KA-MA-RU AND HEES THUGS DZE PER-FECT OPP-OR-TUN-EETY TO ESC-APE WEEDZ HEES LADEE FREE-END!"

Kisame clasped his hands to his face. "MEIN GOTT! DE FRENCHMAN IS RIGHT! VHILE DE MERCENARIES ANT I ESCORTET KAKUZU ON DE LEPRECHAUN HUNT, VE VOULT BE UNABLE TO HOLT DEM CAPTIF! DE CHAOTIC STAMPETE CREATET BY DE MERCENARIES VOULT LEAVE HITAN UNABLE TO PURSUE DEM VHEN DEY ESCAPET!"

"So, he's using my extreme love of and obsession with wealth against me to facilitate his escape, is he now?" Kakuzu mused, stroking his chin. "Well, what a shame it must end this way, Nara! I certainly would have fallen for your cunning ruse if Hidan hadn't pointed it out to me!" He laughed loudly.

Hidan turned back to Shikamaru. "Now dzen, dzees seeg-nal dzat you are go-eeng to geeve me, eet must be some-dzeeng faeer-lee ob-vee-ous, leeke a weenk or some-dzeeng. And don't steeck your tongue out, dzat ees far too lee-klee to happen ak-cee-dent-a-lee…"

Suddenly, the village of Konoham collectively gasped in awe as it was bathed in a golden light. Shikamaru shook his head. "Did you really think I would have made my plan so obvious if you could alter the outcome?" Hidan turned in horror to see Jiraiya holding his colossal pot of golden coins, which was also made of gold, over his head. And colossal is truly the only way to describe it. The pot itself dwarfed the entire village. It blocked out the sun, and yet at the same time the light reflecting off it compensated completely for its own eclipse. If gold was not light as air in the hands of a leprechaun, Jiraiya surely would've been crushed beneath its great golden awesomeness.

Kakuzu stared hungrily at the tremendous sight before him. Never before had he seen so much gold that _wasn't his_. Usually, the knowledge of such a horde existing not under his control would throw him into a rage that would end with him doubling the taxes….again. But not this time. No, this time he would not have to raise the taxes to obtain that secret pot of gold that shoemaker in rags kept under his pillow, or the numerous shillings small children kept in their back pockets. This time, all he had to do was catch a senile fool in a strange green outfit. How hard could that be?

Hidan jumped up and waved his arms around, attempting to regain Kakuzu's attention. "NON NON NON NON _**NON!!!!**_ KA-KU-ZU! YOU MUST RE-MEM-BER WHAT EE SAID! DZE LEP-RE-CHAUN EES JUST A DEE-STRACT-EEON! FOCUS!" But his cries were in vain. Kakuzu's ravenous appetite of capital drowned out the rest of the world. Shikamaru no longer mattered to him. The amount of riches before him was ten times what Shikamaru could steal in a year. His wealth-boner raging harder than ever before, he leapt off his balcony with a mighty yell, flailing towards the building opposite him. Hidan abused his mother tongue.

* * *

Sorry for being a day late. I was returning from my cousins in South Carolina when a wicked blizzard blew up near Erie. Didn't get home until 11:30 that night. I had school the next day. What would any sane person have done?


	10. Greed and Love: They Both Make You Crazy

**DISCLAIMER/WARNING/APOLOGY IN ADVANCE:**

See chapter the 4th.

King Kakuzu slammed into the wall, barely catching the edge of the building. Not sparing a moment to lament on his pain, he hoisted himself up onto the roof and lunged at Jiraiya. Jiraiya easily dodged it, leaping to another building. Enraged with the difficulty of his quarry, Kakuzu turned to his mercenary troops. "WHAT ARE YOU ALL STANDING AROUND FOR!??!?!?! I DON'T PAY YOU ALL TO STAND AROUND AND BE COMPLETELY USELESS!!!!!"

"YOU DON'T PAY ME AT ALL!" one of the mercenaries (whose pay Kakuzu had obviously neglected) shouted back at him.

"KILL HIM!" There was a brief scream as the mercenaries turned on their comrade. "GET THAT LEPRECHAUN!"

The mercenaries let go of the band of thieves and shambled after Kakuzu. Hidan cursed distraughtly as the horde of mercenaries turned into a human river around him. His success had been so close at hand mere seconds before, but it had been all dashed to pieces because of Kakuzu's reckless greed. His precious guillotine would go back into storage, waiting for the day he finally outsmarted Shikamaru. But when would that day come? All his many months of trying and even the most brilliant of plans always resulted in Shikamaru's freedom. As he watched 2 of the mercenaries pull away the wood and metal fruit of his labor, Hidan began to wonder whether he would ever truly defeat Shikamaru. Was it possible that he was so much smarter than him, that he could never be beaten?

Shikamaru fumbled with the shackles behind his back, calmly trying to relieve himself of the metal restraints. He wasn't getting as far as one would expect. Temari, freed from the mercenaries iron grip, bent down and picked up her faithful Scrabbler. The weasel squealed with glee as he felt the familiar warmth of his mistress's embrace surround him. After he had viciously attacked the smelly men in metal to the point of driving them off, he deserved no lesser form of gratitude. Temari glanced over at Shikamaru. "You need some help getting out of that?"

"No, I'm fine." Shikamaru grunted stubbornly, fiddling with what Temari assumed to be a lockpick behind his back. "As soon as I figure out which one of these does it, it'll pop off no problem." Temari placed the weasel on her shoulder and stared sourly at him. He took note. "You got something to say?"

"Nara, you deliberately walked into a trap today. Kakuzu's men could've knifed you in the back before you made it through the castle gates."

"Preposterous. Kakuzu wanted to make an example out of me; a simple death in the back alleys would never do. Hidan wanted to execute me with that outrageous machine of his. There was never any doubt that they'd try capture me alive."

"You still deliberately walked into a trap!"

"Any plan to get you out of Kakuzu's grasp would involve some risk of capture."

"I'm sure if you weren't too LAZY to climb the tower they were keeping me in…."

"You think that would have been more romantic? Don't tell me you want me to be…."

"LESS RISKY!"

"Well, if I didn't play into Kakuzu's hands and win the tournament, how could I EVER get you to kiss me in front of my entire village?" he confessed, chuckling slightly as he did so. She rolled her eyes. "You're right; it would've been less risky. Coming to the tournament guaranteed my capture. But I knew I could use Jiraiya to get away when I got caught. If the old leprechaun wasn't around, I'd have gone with your romantic tower-scaling plan."

"Less risky, Nara." Her body relaxed as the tension was released.

Shikamaru rolled his shoulders back to better fiddle with the lock. "So, less risky means more romantic. Is that what you're telling me, troublesome woman?"

She sighed longingly. "No. Not at all."

Hidan was disgusted. In his country, he could've arrested them both for inappropriate public displays of affection. "EEEUUGH! SACRE BLEU! WHAT ARE YOU, MAR-REED?!?! GAAAGH!" he shouted, cutting between them. He turned to Temari, fumbling for something at his side. "Your boy toy….eeeuuhhhh….he all-ways ru-eens dze locks when he peecks dzem, and dzen Ka-ku-zu gets ver-ee mad at me be-cau-se Ee have to buy new locks…eeuhhhh…eet would be bet-ter eef Ee just gave you my spa-re set of keys…."

The lock clicked open loudly. "I got it." Shikamaru shook the heavy manacles from his arms as Hidan turned to him. He held in his hands the ring of keys Hidan had been looking for. "You looking for these?"

The extremity of Shikamaru's victory over Hidan had reached new boundaries. All the anger in Hidan's body was transferred to his tightly clenched jaw. "You may have won dzees ro-und, Shee-ka-ma-ru, but dze next time we meet, some-one ees go-eeng een dze GUILLOTINE!" He whipped his cape around him dramatically, disappearing among the mercenary stampede, swearing loudly in French.

Temari eyed the keys in Shikamaru's hand. "Not the brightest of sheriffs, is he?"

Shikamaru twirled the keys around his fingers before they disappeared into his pocket. "The sad part of this is that he will never think to change the locks in town. I'd pity him if he wasn't trying to kill me."

* * *

For anyone planning to read future works of mine, I feel I should warn you right now that this chapter is about as 'fluffy' as I get. Ever. The testosterone levels of my brain prevent me from getting much fluffier than 'hero defeats villain, shares thrill of victory with hot babe'. In fact, while the next few chapters may contain fluff (some Naruhina, some more of the Shikatema you've already seen, maybe just a smattering of Nejiten) that's pretty much it for the entire story. From then on, it's just characters choking on their own blood. Okay, I exaggerate. Who'd read a story if all the characters did was choke on their own blood? But I can promise that _you _won't be choking on the fluff.

Last chapter, I finally broke 1K hits! Huzzah!


	11. STARTED SHAGGER THAT BLUDDY IT SHEEP!

Neji burst from the building and almost keeled over. Going down the stairs had only been half as bad as going up, but they still managed to knock the wind out of him. Living in one of the smaller, two floor castles in Ireland didn't give him much to build up endurance when it came to stair climbing. Hands on his knees, he raised his head to look around. The river of mercenaries had disappeared from the village, and almost all the locals had all gone to their homes. Konoham looked deserted, with not a soul…..no, wait, there was Tenten. Tenten was ALWAYS there. If she had only one good quality about her, it was her steadfast reliability.

She ran up to him, hair buns bobbing. "Neji, are you-"

"I'm fine. Where's Naruto?"

"I'm not sure, I sent Hinata to find him."

Neji straightened his posture. "Great. Now we lost the Future King of Ireland _and_ the Heir to the O'Higgins Clan. Saint Patrick help us all!"

* * *

In his youth, an evil snake druid named Orochimaru tricked Naruto into catching a magical trout. Once caught, the druid instructed Naruto to cook it. Orochimaru planned to eat the trout and gain the power to create and disperse an army of himself whenever he wished. However, his plan was foiled when Naruto poked the cooking trout with his thumb and burnt himself. Naturally, he immediately stuck it in his mouth. The trout lost all its magical properties, and Naruto was able to use the power it imbued on him whenever he sucked on the tip of his thumb. Naruto was very good at using the magic the trout had given him. For example, Shikamaru had ordered Naruto to arrange some means to quickly escape the village to Sundun (his plan was to either convince Temari's father to approve of a marriage between them, or steal the key out from under his nose) So several Narutos had built a trebuchet while the tournament had gone on, and an inconspicuous one at that, for you could never tell it was a trebuchet by looking at it.

After doing his part in distributing 55000 Golden Nobles of 'rebates', Naruto smiled gleefully at the happiness he had provided the villagers. "Aw, shucks! I feel like I'm home again, givin' entire loaves of freshly baked bread to hungry little orphans! And jam that I made with the raspberries I picked in the woods and sweet honey I risked my hide for, too!"

Kiba sighed. "A'richt, we get it, Naruto. Yer a charismatic, guidwilly lad. Ye dinnae have tae rub it in ma face."

"Awww, Kiba, whit's getting' ya down now?"

"Doon? I'm nae bloody doon! Whit in blazes makes ye think I'm doon?!?!"

Choji shook his head as the pair of miscreants verbally wrangled each other. Naruto was right about one thing though: Giving the citizens their tax money back sure put a smile on his face. Maybe it was because he was sympathetic to the joy he was spreading, maybe it was because smiles were contagious, or maybe it was because his acts were getting him further off the road to hell. He didn't care. He just knew it made him happy. He gave the last of the coins to a blind old man who limped about on his cane. The man's son (a middle-aged baker whose business had fallen on hard times because of the rising prices of wheat) nodded and thanked him dearly. Choji grinned and waved as the pair hobbled away, before turning to break up Naruto and Kiba's squabble just as it got physical. Picking them up by the neck, he looked to one, then the other, as they thrashed wildly in his grip.

"**STARTED SHAGGER THAT BLUDDY IT SHEEP!!!"**

"Kiba, yer talking with the words in the wrong order again!"

Choji sighed and shook his head. "Don't you two remember what Shikamaru said about squabbling like this?" He waited until the pair stopped their struggling and went limp before relaxing his grip, letting them fall to the ground. "You were responsible for the escape Naruto. Where….."

"Over there, the laddies'ill guide ya." Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head and pointing to his inconspicuous trebuchet. He hardly heard Choji, much less Kiba calling his hound as he walked away. Kiba had given him a nasty smack upside the head, and now he was feeling its full effects. His vision was blurry, and the world in general just felt like……. "Poppycocks," he said, struggling to maintain his balance as he stood up. His vision grew worse. A dark blue and purple figure with pale bits moved rapidly towards him. As it got closer, he began to hear a high, female voice. "Woah Miss, don't get too close, I'm off balance…." He muttered, thrusting his arms forward to ward her away, ironically throwing himself even further off balance and falling forward. As he faceplanted in the figure's soft and squishy breasts, Naruto could have sworn he heard the woman gasp sharply.

Hinata's face turned to a dark shade of red. She spent her life under the protection and surveillance of the best guards the O'Higgins could afford. No one _touched_ her unless her father willed it. And of course, no father in his right mind would ever let anyone touch his daughter _there_. Needless to say, she was feeling sensations she was completely unfamiliar with. Naruto, slowly being released from his stupor, grabbed her shoulders and pulled himself up. Shaking his head groggily, he could not hear Hinata's frantic stutters. "Na….Naru….I…I….you….I….I…..I…………I…."

Suddenly, Naruto's world snapped back into focus, and he realized exactly what he had done. A torrent of flashbacks (concerning Jiraiya and Tsunade the Hill-Breasted) told him that brutal violence was swift to follow such an incident. Immediately apologetic, he shoved himself away from her. "I AM SO SORRY HINATA! I WAS SMACKED UPSIDE THE HEAD, I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO SELF-CONTROL WHATSOEVER, FORTUNATELY THIS WASN'T SOMETHING BIG LIKE JUMPING INTO BED AND TEARING EACH OTHER'S CLOTHES OFF IN A NIGHT OF LUSTFUL PASSION RESULTING IN A BASTARD CHILD SO WE CAN EASILY JUST GO ON WITH OUR LIVES AND PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED!!!! **I'VE GOT TO TAKE SOME FRIENDS TO SUNDUN NOW SO GOODBYE!!!!!**" He immediately turned to run, run to that trebuchet that could put days of horseback riding between him and any angry O'Higgins in the vicinity. But a desperate grip on his wrist stopped him. He looked back, half expecting to see an enraged Neji about send a dagger through his eye socket.

Holding as tight as she could, Hinata knew this was quite possibly her last chance to confess to Naruto. She had reached the marrying age a few months ago, and had already seen the array of suitors her father had picked out for her. They were all very persistent, unrelenting military men a decade or 2 older than her. She didn't like any of them. Father had picked them because they all reminded him of himself: cold, proud, and viable to hide his wife away from the world. Once her father picked one of them, she knew her husband would keep handsome, charismatic and courageous men like Naruto far away from her. And so she let her emotions all surge out in one dramatic confession. Trouble was, she still couldn't stop her stuttering. "Naru……Naruto….I…I….you….I….I…..I…I……I…I…."

Naruto looked at the girl perplexedly. Clearly, the emotion she was trying to get across was not hatred or vengeance. Perhaps he would escape unscathed after all. "Naruto!" He turned to see Neji and Tenten running towards him. Perhaps not. He ran, dragging Hinata with him, to the trebuchet. "Wait! We have to tell you something important!" Neji cried out to him. "Something that will dramatically affect the fate of Ireland!"

Naruto turned back to him. "Can it wait a couple days? I've got to go to Sundun now!"

"NO! THIS CANNOT WAIT! TOO MUCH IS AT STAKE!!!!"

Naruto sighed. "Fine, I guess I'm taking you all with me." He stopped running only when he had reached the sling of the trebuchet (laid out flat, completely unrecognizable as a sling) where his comrades had gathered. "Got some extra tagalongs coming. No time to explain, lads."

"Naruto, how is this getting us to Sundun?"

"Don't worry a bit, Shikamaru. My shamrock will make sure we all survive the landing."

There was a unified chorus of **"LANDING??!?!!?!?"**

Shikamaru buried his face in his palm. "I already regret this."

The instant Neji and Tenten were fully on the sling, Naruto gave a hand signal to his clones, and they let the trebuchet fire.

* * *

Arrrrrgh, so many words, so little action! If you think reading this is frustrating, think about how frustrating it is to write this!


	12. The Lord of Sundun

Gaara and Kankuro were undeniably brothers. The rumors that Gaara had been fathered by the Devil in the form of a Scotsman had gotten his mother executed, but beyond those rumors, there was no evidence that the 2 differed in pedigree. They excelled in designing and constructing torture devices, and had bonded well over hours turned days turned weeks turned months perhaps even turned years in the dungeon of Sundun, building and testing fiendish machines of torment. And like all brothers, they were cruel to each other.

"That is the worst stained glass window I have ever seen."

Currently, they were both standing in front of a massive wall of stained glass that Kankuro had spent the last year or so working on. Inspired to become an artist by a dream he had after eating some strange mushrooms, Kankuro had left the dungeon behind him in his late teens and began to experiment with different artistic mediums. People who had seen Kankuro's art agreed that he was still making torture devices…..now he was just making them for the mind instead of the body. The stained glass was no exception.

"Come on, Gaara, just look at it! Look at how the light shines through it."

Gaara sighed. He had always been the crazy one, the black sheep of the family. When Kankuro became an artist, Gaara found a new hobby in constructing catapults and trebuchets, another step further away from his peace-loving family. Now it appeared that he was the last bastion of sanity within Sundun' s walls. "It's hideous, Kankuro. Looking at it makes me want to test my prototype on it."

"You want to test your prototype on everything."

Gaara chuckled. That was true. Stroking his goatee (which was at the perfect length for stroking while plotting things that were dastardly, destructive and deviant), he began to think about what else would be damaged if he did use his prototype on the window. Concluding that the collateral damage would be unacceptable, he turned to Kankuro. "You WILL get rid of this eyesore."

Kankuro was shaken. "I worked on that for a year. I'm not taking it down."

"_**YOU WILL GET RID OF IT."**_

"**NO! I WORKED TOO HARD FOR TOO LONG TO JUST……"**

It was that moment our poor human projectiles from the last chapter came crashing through the stained glass wall. Kankuro's 'masterpiece' shattered into thousands of shards. An expression of horror and agony spread across the artist's face. He almost cried out in sorrowful anguish as his precious opus was destroyed beyond all recognition. Simultaneously, a sick, sadistic smile spread across Gaara's face. The human projectiles had had the great fortune of passing out from the massive g-forces caused by the trebuchet and thus felt no pain when they landed. Not that it would have been _that_ painful. After all, the power of Naruto's giant shamrock was great enough to make the experience **survivable**; reducing the accompanying shattering of bones to minor bruises was a minor feat by comparison.

"Well, well, well! What do we have here?" Gaara sneered, striding over the limp bodies, seeing if they were anyone he knew. It took him half a minute to determine that one of them was Temari. "Judging by her entrance, our dear sister didn't like it either!" He burst out laughing. "BAKI!" The family skivvy, face half covered by a large helmet, dressed in thick armor, appeared like a genie summoned from its lamp. "Take our sister to her chamber, and find some spare beds for our guests."

Incredibly, the man did as he was told without any difficulty. He picked them all up, one by one, and hoisted them over his shoulder, carrying them off to their own separate rooms. His armor no doubt impeded his flexibility, but then again, he was walking on a floor covered in broken glass. And this level of danger was quite normal in the household. Gaara was constantly experimenting with his miniature prototypes, meaning something small could be whizzing around the castle at any given time. In fact, if it was less dangerous than that at any given time, it was because Gaara too busy making something _really_ dangerous; namely, his full scale prototype. Baki was a man who needed all the protection he could get.

As Baki carried the last of the 'guests' away (guests…..it had been so long since he had any real guests. He was far too used to prisoners) Gaara turned to his brother. Kankuro still stood there, transfixed like one of his own marble statues. Gaara sighed. He walked out of the chamber, only to return with a broom and whack his brother over the head with it. Kankuro jumped out of his trance. Gaara shoved the broom into his hands and walked away, leaving him to sweep up the crushed remnants of his dreams.

The sun had not yet risen, although with the ugly turn the weather had taken, that would have been very difficult to verify. At any rate, Gaara was hard at work in his dungeon. He was drawing diagrams for a more portable version of his prototype when he heard a very faint knocking at the main door. He raised his head, perturbed by the sound echoing through his dungeon. No one else was up, were they? Even his ever faithful Baki needed to sleep every once in a while. He was going to have to get it himself, wasn't he?

Resentfully leaving his dungeon behind him, he trudged up the stairs to the vestibule and opened one of the massive doors ever so slightly. A bedraggled young messenger (couldn't have been more than 14 by the looks of him) stood there, soaked to the bone from the pouring rain. "Please sir, you've got to let me in! I carry with me important business!"

Gaara warily let the boy in. Closing the door behind him, he eyed the boy guardedly. "Tell me, little lad, what this 'important business' you carry is."

"Sir, the King has decided to promote a good number of his lords to barons. The Lord of Sundun-"

"The Lord of Sundun is dead."

The boy was shocked. "Dead?"

"Yes, dead. Do you need to see his corpse?"

"N-nn-no sir. I'm just…..urgh…..I've got 10 more lords to promote before Sunday. Are you one of his sons?"

"Yes."

The boy took off his pack and gingerly handed Gaara a pile of papers, doing his best not to get them wet. "You should be able to inherit the title then. Just fill these out and I can be on my way." Gaara disappeared into another room with the papers and, with a speed that astounded the messenger, reappeared with all the papers filled out. "Mind you, you need to keep that last sheet." He said, pulling an ornate golden coat of arms from his pack and exchanging it for the necessary papers. "Alright, now you just have to wear that all the time, and you'll be the Baron of Sundun." The boy heaved his pack on and opened the door, running out into the cold and stormy night.

As he closed the door, a string of thoughts ran through Gaara's mind.

Shouldn't the promotion gone to Temari, since she was the oldest sibling?

_**NO! THE POWER IS FOR ME!!! IT'S MINE! ALL MINE!!!!!**_

I hope power doesn't make me a more of a jackass than I already am.

_**FINALLY I HAVE THE POWER TO DISREGARD MY SIBLINGS' INCESSANT DEMANDS! NO MORE FUNDING FOR KANKURO'S DEAD END ARTISTRY! IF HE WANTS TO PAINT SOMETHING, IT'LL HAVE TO BE FIRE ON MY PROTOTYPES, AND HE'LL HAVE TO SCROUNGE THE FORESTS FOR PLANTS TO MAKE PIGMENTS OUT OF FOR THE PAINT!**_

I had better not let this go to my head.

_**POWER!!!!!!!!**_

Gaara's maniacal laughter echoed throughout the castle as lightning cracked the sky and thunder rumbled.

* * *

No real point to all of that. This chapter was really just written for the lolz. And also to create an _**EPIC CLIFFHANGER!!!!**_ Seriously, I don't think any of you saw 'The Lord of Sundun is dead' coming. Other than those who read the casting in the first chapter.


	13. Woes of the Madhouse Cleric

Before he worked for the noble family of Sundun, Baki was the cleric of a madhouse. His line of work hadn't changed much. Temari and Kankuro were fine, perhaps a little on the edgy side, but overall decent human beings. Gaara, on the other hand, was a complete monster. He hardly cared about people other than himself, always building something that ripped people apart or squashed them like ants beneath an ox's hoof. When he was younger, he was not nearly as twisted, but between his father and his uncle……all of them were less twisted when they were younger. He remembered those days happily, as one remembers the dreams from the slumbers they did not wish to wake from. Before the attempted assassination, the children's minor issues and squabbles were quite manageable. By Saint Michael, he didn't even have to wear a suit of armor at all times back then! Oh, but there was no point in reminiscing over those times. They were gone forever, lost to the sands of time. Besides, he had more important things to think about.

For example, the Nara.

Or at least, he thought he was the Nara that Temari spoke of. He matched her description of him. Although it appeared that Shikamaru ……was it Shikamaru? Whoever the lad was, it appeared that he'd been too long without a visit to the barbershop. Blazes, all of them looked like they needed a trip to the barbershop. Except for the Irish brunet* and the women. But hey, when did women ever need to go to the barbershop? He had briefly wondered how the Lord of Konoham ended up with such a grisly looking crew.

Well, no matter. The castle of Sundun had very few guest bedrooms, and Baki had had to double up the guests. He could tell by their wedding rings that the brunet and brunette Irish nobles were married, so doubling them up first was the most logical choice. The other Irish pair had managed to cling together during their tumultuous travels, so they probably wouldn't mind sleeping in the same bed. When it came down to Shikamaru and the MacDouglas (by his Tartan, and perhaps the infamous Kiba MacDouglas judging by his dog and claymore), the real decision making began. He could have this man wake up next to the Scotsman, breath in his nasty, dog-like breath, probably vomit all over the newly washed sheets, and just have a really bad day. Alternatively, he could place him in Temari's bed, and put him through the gauntlet of her early morning temper.

Feeling cruel, he decided Shikamaru would face Temari's wrath. After all, if the two truly planned to wed, better they get acquainted with each other's morning personalities.

"BAKI! Why is there no smoked ham on the table?"

Baki sighed. Gaara's overnight promotion to Baron had pushed him even further down his path of madness. For the love of Saint Michael, he was barking orders from the breakfast table! "We keep that set aside for uncommon occasions, sir."

Gaara's right eyebrow perked up, while his left sunk into a glare of deep fury. "Baki, we have a number of guests with us. 3 of them are nobles from the most powerful family in all of Ireland. Also with us is the national Hero of Scotland and his dog. Additionally, Temari brought along her favored suitor and his beefy sidekick. And then there's the blond Irish guy. I have no idea who he is, but judging by the color of his pants, he's got to be of the utmost importance. Are you telling me this is not an uncommon occasion?" Baki sighed in defeat, and sauntered off to find some smoked ham. As he did so, Shikamaru entered from the other side of the room, nursing a small bump on the back of his head. Gaara's face turned to the one he wore when operating one of his torture devices. "Well, speak of the scoundrel! You are the man who wishes to wed my sister, are you not?"

Shikamaru afforded a glance before sitting down at the table. "You must be Gaara."

"The one and only." He boasted, sliding a loaf of bread to his guest, and Shikamaru began to tear the bread apart. Butter and a knife soon followed. "Still hurting from last night, or is Temari in one of her moods this morning?"

"Let's just say your sister feels a lot like a pillow first thing in the morning."

Amused, Gaara chuckled. "So, you came to get her key, I suppose?"

"That's what she's working on right now. If her father doesn't give it up, I'll take it by slight of hand." He managed to utter between mouthfuls of buttered bread. "Worse comes to worst, I'll break out the lock picks. But the key would be just that much more 'romantic'."

"You mean 'fast'."

"She calls it 'romantic', I call it 'fast', we agree to disagree and call it a win-win situation." Temari's harsh voice suddenly rang out elsewhere in the castle. Shikamaru sighed. "Well, there goes my chance of this being a good day."

"Ah, don't worry about it. She probably just learned that Dad's dead." Shikamaru almost choked on his bread. "Some assassin stabbed him in the back 5 minutes or so after she departed for Konoham. We would've sent a letter, but it would've arrived when she was on the way home. Wasn't too big a deal for Kankuro and I. He was more of a sire than an actual father to us."

Baki returned with a large slab of smoked ham and dropped it unceremoniously on the table. He retrieved an axe from a nearby suit of armor and began to hack the ham into pieces suitably sized for serving at breakfast. Shikamaru admired the strength of the table for standing up to Baki's axe blows before he noticed the coat of arms Gaara wore. "Is that…."

"What makes me a Baron? Yeah, some boy showed up last night with this. Apparently, Dad was going to be promoted. So I filled out the papers and inherited the title. I call it 'The Big Badge of Barony.'"

Shikamaru's eyelids rose in disbelief. "Shouldn't that title have gone to Temari, since she's the oldest sibling?"

Gaara, already slightly irritated by the lack of meat in his breakfast thus far, took great offence to this, twisting his face into a terrifying expression. "Yes, but Temari wasn't the one who signed the papers last night, was she?"

Shikamaru shook his head. "So I'd be asking you for her key then."

Gaara calmed and scratched his head. "I don't really care. Take the key, but you'll have to find it first. Dad had a real appetite for virgins; you'll probably have to sort through a thousand or so keys before you find Temari's."

"Bloody hell, it sounds like it would be faster just to use the lock picks."

Baki listened to the conversation with distaste. Driving all of his anger into his axe, he cleaved the ham in half. So, this is the fate of the noble house of Sundun? He chopped the ham again, sending a piece flying in Gaara's direction. The Lord's flaws laid bare and title stolen by his own son? The sister cheated of her barony? His third chop made a clean cut through the bone. She'd probably let him get away with it too because it made it easier for her to run off with this paltry vagabond of a lord. He never could have seen this coming; Temari had always been the greatest hope for him, someone to believe in, to build up, to be proud of. He thought it would be her inheriting the family title, but alas, she would probably shirk all her duty for love. How his pride and joy had fallen! And all because she found this rogue lovable……

"What's eating you? You look like someone's sticking hot irons in your gut."

"You talking to Baki? Ah, don't bother, he's almost crazy as me, but in a quiet way. Smoked ham?"

In his mind's eye, Baki liked to think he was chopping the neck of those despicable wretches.

* * *

*masculine conjugation of 'brunette'. Don't ask me to tell you how he deduced the Irish folk were Irish. Butlers can just do that sort of thing. They're just magic smart like that. Or he identified them from the Gaelic patterns on the jewelry they were wearing.

Hey, as long as we're discussing this series, am I the only one who wants to see Sasuke kill Sakura, followed by Naruto killing Sasuke? Because Sasuke would be all like "Sakura, you're an annoying bitch. If I don't kill you first you'll just heal the others." And Sakura would be all like....well, I don't even want to say what she'd be all like, but Naruto would be all like _"**RRAAAUUUURGH!!!** I'M SO FUCKING PISSED OFF I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR HEART OUT AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!!"_ Naruto could even use his Kyuubi chakra because his sage chakra could prevent the sharingan from suppressing it too. Y'know, maybe I'm wrong because I have testicles in between my legs, but I definitely think that in a series (supposedly) focused on combat enemies should be enemies, not friends trying to save each other from the dark side, especially when one of them has obviously crossed the point of no return.

But enough of that; NEXT CHAPTER, BIG THINGS HAPPEN!!


	14. BIG THINGS HAPPEN

As promised, BIG THINGS are happening in this chapter. But first, there is a dinner scene, in which the dinner table is set with a lavish array of tasty meats. And booze. We cannot forget the booze.

* * *

"So there we are, in Lancaster, watching 3 convicts walk to the shoddy set of gallows we just installed over the River Lune. One's a thief from Manchester, one's a murderer from Durham and the other's a traitor to the crown from York. So the guy from Manchester goes up, they put the rope around his neck and throw him off. Now, the Earl of Lancaster had really skimped out on the ropes, so the rope broke before his neck did, and he landed safely in the river below him. It was a fast river too, and he was able to swim away to freedom before the guards could catch him." Gaara stopped only momentarily to take a swig from his stein. "So Kankuro, knowing that using the same rope would get the same results, goes up to the Earl and tells him that he should use chains, because anywhere you're using rope you should actually be using chains, or at least some stronger rope. Earl says he doesn't have stronger rope or chains, so we have to go on with the same rope. Kankuro and I reset the gallows, and they bring up the guy from Durham. Same thing happens again. Kankuro goes to fix it, I look at the Yorker, and he's quivering like the reeds in a storm. And for once in my life, I take pity. So I say to him 'why do you tremble so? The rope will break, and you will not die this day.' He turns to me….with the most dismal expression on his face…and he says 'speak for yourself mate, I don't know how to bloody swim.'" For the first time in a long time, Gaara's maniacal cackling was not alone. While the soft chuckles and boisterous laughter of his guests and siblings did not compare much to his expression of humor, laughter is always best shared. Wiping his beard off, he felt unusually warm inside. "You all must be hitting the ale too hard. People never laugh at that joke."

"That's because you only tell it to people you're about to drown."

"Well, I suppose that might be it."

As raucous laughter filled the dining hall, Tenten heard her husband's distinct exhausted gasping coming from the atrium.

"So many stairs……one wrong left turn……36 floors of basement. Ridiculous…." "No possible way….36 floors of basement…..too impractical……"

"Now listen to me, knowing your father is great and all, but I reckon it's more important to know he loved you. Take me for example. My dad died protecting me from Rawhead*. I'll never know him, but I know in my heart that I was worth his life to him."

"Zounds, he'd have to be a pretty powerful combatant to take on _Rawhead._ Who was he, a peasant warrior, a royal soldier, a warlord….."

"The King of Ireland."

And ……woah, wait…….what?

* * *

Did he just say his dad was the King of Ireland? No, that would contradict what I've already stated. Must've been a mistake. Alright, lemme just start this over from Naruto's first line.

* * *

"Now listen to me, knowing your father is great and all, but I reckon it's more important to know he loved you. Take me for example. My dad died protecting me from the Rawhead. I'll never know him, but I know in my heart that I was worth his life to him."

"Zounds, he'd have to be a pretty powerful combatant to take on _Rawhead._ Who was he, a peasant warrior, a royal soldier, a warlord….."

"The King of Ireland."

* * *

**I SPECIFICALLY STATED IN THE FIRST CHAPTER THAT NARUTO DID NOT KNOW HIS FATHER WAS THE KING OF IRELAND!!!! THE EXACT WORDS WAS THAT HE WAS 'NOT KNOWING OF HIS ROYAL LINEAGE'!!! ARRGH! LITTLE BLOND BASTARD! MESSING UP THE STORYLINE WHICH I METICULOUSLY WORKED ON TO MAKE NOT SELF CONTRADICTING! WHY MUST HE THROW IN A PLOT HOLE! IT MUST BE THE CURSE OF KISHIMOTO!!!!!! ANYONE WHO WORKS WITH HIS CHARACTERS WILL CREATE STORIES AS RIDDLED WITH PLOT HOLES AS HIS!!!!!**

Why….why….just why.

Ah, hell, you know what? Let's just pretend that's what I was planning to do; this is going to be WAY better than what I was thinking.

* * *

And with those 7 words, the longest of which was coincidentally 7 letters long, Naruto managed to silence the room and make Neji, who wasn't the sanest person he knew but had always made the top ten, snap.

"YOU KNEW?!?!!?"

"Ah course I knew! Do you think I wouldn't know me who me own father was?"

"HA! I knew it! You ARE someone important! I saw this coming since this morning!" Gaara chuckled gleefully. "Baki, did I not foresee something of this order this morning?"

"Yes, sir. I believe you identified his importance by the color of his pants."

"Hnh." Shikamaru grunted. "Now that I think about it, the boldly orange pants should've been a dead giveaway that he was descended from nobility. Honestly, how many orange things are there on the British Isles anyways?"

Choji, ever the loyal sidekick, immediately began to list orange things. "Carrots…..flowers….…and carrots...umm…."

"Fire!" Kiba shouted helpfully.

"I was referring to orange things that could be used to dye fabric."

"Oh. Ye definitely cannae dye yer pants wit' fire. It nevar works." Kiba said wistfully, remembering particularly painful past experiences.

"Carrots and flowers would only be able to create a temporary dye that would fade dramatically after a single wash. When I first met him of course, carrots and flowers were the only thing that made sense, so I assumed….."

"You thought I never washed me pants?"

"I CLIMBED 362,346 STAIRS AND LET MYSELF BE FLUNG FROM A CATAPULT TO TELL YOU THAT YOU WERE DESTINED TO BE THE KING OF IRELAND AND YOU ALREADY KNEW!?!?!"

"Well, technically no. Trebuchets are not catapults."

"As a siege weapon engineer, I can testify to that. Catapults rely on the torsional pressure of twisted rope, while trebuchets rely on the falling force** created by the ballast." Gaara sighed. "I get so ticked off when people get them mixed up."

"TICKED AFF?!?!? Ticked aff is whit ye are when some daft blond cannae tell two nations apart!"

"Not this again…"

"Did you know your sister thought I was Scottish at first?"

"Naruto was fighting for Kiba! How was I supposed to know….."

"The pants, Temari. The flaming orange pants. He was the only one in the entire army with pants."

"Damn, that's two o'me secrets my pants gave away!"

"Even if it wasn't for the pants, the lack of plaid should've tipped you off."

"Oh, hush you. You can't keep the capitals of Hungary and Romania straight."

"_HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN THIS!??!?!" _Neji shouted, straining to prevent the vein in his forehead from bursting with rage.

"Ah, I think it would be 5 years now. Me Dad came to me in a vision I had when I was fightin' that crazy necromancer druid….."

"_**AND YOU NEVER ACTED ON THIS KNOWLEDGE!?!?"**_

"Neji, I can't become King until I have saved Ireland from its darkest hour. And that's not until at least…" Naruto removed a device we would refer to as a golden pocket watch from his pocket and flipped it open. His eyes widened as he stared upon the near indecipherable symbols carved within it. "Bluddy hell, it wasn't half that close 5 weeks ago…."

Neji reached his limit. In his own unique species of soundless rage, he furiously left the room without anyone noticing.

Except for Tenten. She always noticed the subtle shifts in his behavior that accompanied changes in his mood (albeit subtle was not the word for his emotions or his behavior right now) And so as the others stayed in the room, intoxicated on each other's company, she left to set her husband's heart right.

* * *

* Also known as Bloody Bones, the Irish Bogeyman. Decided to use it as the Kyuubi analog because the Bogeyman is the ultimate terror; it transcends cultures to take whatever name or form that is feared the most.

** I almost said 'gravitational force', but then I realized Isaac Newton wouldn't be around for a couple hundred years. A big thanks to my Dad for coming up with something that sounded like what they'd call gravity before Newton came along.

Remember to review if you have anything to say. This the only way we can communicate. Was or was not the complete shattering of the fourth wall totally awesome?


	15. Medieval Innuendo

To say that Naruto had a hangover would be an understatement. The indescribable pain pounded on his brain like a waterfall pounds the rocks at its base. The skull splitting headache was accompanied by disturbingly few memories of the previous night. Unable to open his eyes and roll out of the bed he was in (he wasn't sure how he got into the bed, but he was grateful that he had fallen asleep on something soft), Naruto dedicated what little brainpower he had left to remembering exactly WHAT happened last night.

First, there was a dinner party. Table set with lavish meats. Lots of ale. Gaara told a joke about a guy drowning. Everybody laughed. Neji came in, he was tired. Naruto had told everyone…..ah, hell, he probably shouldn't have told everyone that. Neji freaked out, left, Tenten went after him. Kiba made an innuendo. Naruto laughed, because it might have been accurate. The dinner carried on. Shikamaru and Temari left to look for a key or something. Apparently, they had a lot of keys to look through.

It was about then that someone….Kiba, definitely Kiba…..mentioned the three way drinking contest that they never managed to finish. That is, Choji, Kiba and Naruto could never see who could drink the others under the table because they never had enough brew for any of them to 'lose'. Kankuro told them that they had at least a hundred kegs of cheap swill that they'd never get around to drinking anyways. And nothing after that. Usually when he tried to outdrink his comrades, he'd have fuzzy memories of them all doing a ho-down to one of his traditional drinking songs. But not this time. This time there was just NOTHING. A 12 hour gap in his memory. He rubbed his face. "Great. I'll have this headache all day long, and nobody will even know who won the damn contest."

"N-Naruto?" Hinata's voice piped up beside him.

Naruto opened his eyes. Maybe there was hope after all. "Hinata? Do you remember who won that drinking contest last night?"

"N-no, I….I…..I can't remember anything that happened after you handed me that pint……"

"Ugh. Don't that just figure." He began to shift his eyes around, trying to get his bearings. What room was he in? Was it the same one he woke up in yesterday? Well if it was, the bed would have the same posts, now wouldn't it? If only his pants weren't hanging over that bedpost….but wait! There were two bedposts, weren't there? Maybe there was hope after all!

Scratch that. Hinata's dress was……………oh, no.

As the realization of the sultry exploits he must have partaken with Hinata the previous night dawned upon him, Naruto threw himself out of the bed (using only his torso muscles, no less) and landed forehead first on the cold, hard floor. The pain of impact resonating throughout his noggin reminded him why he usually wore his head guard to bed. Although it was high noon and the storm had cleared hours ago, the wind of the squall had left the air cold, and the chill was quick to crawl into his exposed flesh. This, combined the pain he experienced as the rest of his body hit the floor and the adrenaline pumping through his body, was enough to cure him of half his hangover. He leapt to his feet before staggering about, trying to get his footing.

Meanwhile, the cold was beginning to cure Hinata's hangover as well. As she sat up, her eyes were cleared of their bleariness, and she noticed Naruto standing in all his naked, hung over and manly glory. Her eyes widened. "N-n-n-n-Naruto….." she stammered, pointing a finger at him, "…….y-y-you….." She looked beneath the sheets to see that, surprise, surprise; her body was also utterly devoid of clothing. "I…I……I…………….." She looked back up at him, as the pieces slowly began to connect in her head. "We………." Her thoughts grew decidedly more carnal. "…….we………" The blood began to drain from her brain into her face. "……..we………………….." She passed out rather gracefully on her pillow; eyes wide open, staring aimlessly off into space.

As a small knock sounded at the door, Naruto burst into a frenzy of panic. He ran to the door and noisily bolted it shut, pressing his back against it. "I'm not in here! Neither is Hinata! And she isn't hung over! We both have our clothes on, just like when we fell asleep in different beds in different rooms last night after not engaging in lustful acts of drunken passion!"

Outside the room, Neji sighed. "Naruto, you're the worst liar I have ever met."

"Hey! Did you hear me?!??!?! Your cousin isn't in here! And I have no memory of engaging in exceptionally lewd acts with her!"

"It's okay, Naruto. I'm….." Neji breathed in deeply. "I'm not doing to do anything about you and Hinata."

Naruto felt the blend of relief and confusion spread over his face. "What's the matter with you, Neji? Did you just remember that time I punched you off a cliff?"

Neji sighed again. "No, this is about you being destined to become the King of Ireland……"

"So you're kissing my arse because you know I'm going to be the King? I thought you had more dignity than that."

"No, it's not…. Hiashi wants to have Hinata married to the most powerful man in Ireland, right?"

Naruto had to think about it for a few seconds before he got it. "Oohhhhhhh……that's gonna be me, isn't it?" He burst out laughing. "So I guess this is great news for you, isn't it?"

"I suppose, in some sick, twisted way."

"Hey, you don't care if we take my little battering ram to her again when she gets up?"

Neji's face was wiped clean of all emotion that was not disgust and suppressed rage.

"Cause I wasn't lying when I said I didn't remember anything, and as long as I've spoiled the goods, no harm in having another go at it, right?"

"Why are you asking for my permission?" he muttered through his clenched teeth. "You're going to be the King of Ireland, remember?"

"Oh, yeah! Right again! Well, you better get on now; it looks like she's coming to…."

Neji turned away and walked down the hall in a humiliated rage. The sheer, blunt absurdity of that man! The audacity! And he was to become not only his King, but probably his cousin in law as well!

At the end of the hallway, Tenten was waiting for him. She was the one who put him up to this 'peace talk' in the first place. "Was that really so hard?"

"Yes."

She smiled briefly before turning around and smacking her head on a wall that she did not foresee. "Th-th-there wasn't a wall here 5 minutes ago!"

"See?!!?! I told you the walls change in this castle!!! This place is trying to drive us both insane!"

* * *

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why it is good to be the king!

'Oh, Neji and Tenten! They're so adorable when they realize they're slowly loosing their minds!'

Yes, yes they are, inner woman - WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE!??!?! Go back to my mental kitchen and start making me a subconscious sammich, and don't come out until I need help picking up chicks!


	16. Madness, you say?

Nobody noticed that I'm uploading this Monday morning instead of Sunday, right?

Right?

*dodges spears*

* * *

Shikamaru sat at the breakfast table, staring at his bread with intense apathy. He sighed. "There's no way your father had time to sleep with that many virgins."

"His friends always gave him the keys they had used." Temari murmured over her steaming beverage, almost certainly tea from the Far East. Scrabbler hung loose around her neck in a deep slumber, exhausted from aiding the pair in their hunt last night. He may as well have been a furry scarf. "He's probably got several rooms of them."

"Would it really kill you if I used the lockpicks?" The daggers in her stare told him otherwise. "Troublesome…." Desperate to find more decent conversation, he turned to his best friend. "How's breakfast, Choji?"

"Splendid! Brilliant! This is an absolutely smashing cure for my hangover!" the large man shouted, noisily stuffing salty lard-fried potatoes wedges into his mouth. "Buth it stilff neeth moar salt'n'lard! An' thith wul be fantastic wath trout!" Scratch that. Choji did not make good conversation while he was eating. As he restructured his train of thought to think of a way to get Temari to be pleasant again, Neji and Tenten staggered into the room.

Beaten and bloody, they almost collapsed into their chairs. Tenten's dress was torn to shreds; perhaps a third of it was now the bandages that swathed the pair. Neji breathed in deeply, then shifted his eyes to Temari. "Would you care to explain why your brothers are keeping a monstrous raccoon…..dog…..bear…..THING in the basement?"

"Oh, you've met Shukaku, have you?" She responded, taking another sip of her tea. "Gaara keeps that thing around as a pet, and nobody objects because he doesn't use it to crush us all. He really wasn't much of a problem when he was little, but then he found a way to change around the castle walls. Now he either eats our guests or tries to drive them insane."

Naruto strode into the room brazenly carrying Hinata on his back. "Top of the morning to-" His cheerful greeting was cut short when he saw the ruined carnage that was Neji and Tenten. "Ah Saint Patrick, what happened to you two?"

"There was a monstrous raccoon…..dog…..bear…..THING in the basement." Tenten stuttered.

"Well why the bloody hell did you go into the basement??!?"

"NOT OF OUR OWN FREE WILL, I ASSURE YOU!!!!" Neji snapped.

Taken aback by Neji's newfound brashness, he let Hinata slide off his back and slipped into a chair. "Anyone seen Kiba around?"

"Kankuro said he ran off last night, yellin' about goin' back to Scotland to raise an army."

"Is that so?" Shikamaru scratched his head, taking a brief respite from his thinking process. "He must have meant it if he's not back by now."

"Wait, that means he must've remembered what he did last night, meaning…." Naruto's brain was set to 'scramble' as he tried to accept the implication of Shikamaru's words. "….he out drank both of us."

"Yeah. Hard to accept, isn't it?" Choji glanced wistfully at his now empty plate. "I'm gonna need more food."

As if on cue, Baki emerged from the shadows. Stoic and long suffering as ever, he hoisted a great silver platter, with more fries and freshly fried fish. He lay the great meal before the giant. "As you ordered, with more salt and lard, and a side order of trout."

Choji stared at his food with the utmost contemplation. "Not to sound ungrateful or anything, but that was unnaturally fast." He opened his mouth wide to stuff in the entire fish. As he was chewing, a thought occurred to him, and he turned to the servant. "You're sure you're not a….." But without a sound, Baki had vanished. "……vampire?" he gulped uneasily. Choji looked around the room uncertainly, plucked a gorget* from a nearby suit of armor, hastily secured it to his neck and resumed his eating.

A dull moment began to form. Shikamaru let his heavy eyelids close; perhaps he would finally get the sleep that had so long eluded….scratch that. By the sounds of it, a retarded Irish child was running down the hallways of the castle, screaming gibberish. Naruto recognized the voice. "JIMMY O'FLAHERTY!"** He leapt up and bounded down the hallways, out of sight, and towards the voice.

Gaara's voice joined in the chaos, echoing throughout the halls as thunder rumbles across the stormy sky. "Get back here, you little green bastard!"

The leprechaun's words were desperate. "Don't let him get me! He'll sit me down on a little Judas Chair,*** he will!"

"FOOL! No captive ever escapes my incarceration!"

"Gaara, just what the fouk do you think you're doing torturing my wee little friend here?"

"That Irish midget refuses to relinquish his gold to me!"

"Jimmy, give this crazy reddy your gold so he won't try to kill you no more, a'right?"

"B-b-b-but me wife blew it all on my little Johnny's tack set!"

"Irish bull! Tell him to hand over the gold or I'll…." A large smack sounded; the familiar sound of fist meeting face. There was a brief pause. "You bastard! You hit me in the face!" The smack sounded again. "You bastard! You hit me in the face again!"

"Ya fouking moron! Nobody fouks with me friends and gets away with it!"

As the sound of the beatdown echoed throughout the halls (and down the stairways and into the dungeons), Shikamaru shifted a lazy eye to Temari. "You don't seem to care about your brother having the daylight knocked out of him."

"He's had it coming for years." She murmured. "I don't think anyone in the world would take his side."

The leprechaun - like a miniature Jiraiya, but very much younger and red headed - dashed down the hall towards the table. "I don't think it's safe down there anymo-" An earthshaking snarl roared from the bowels of the castle, speeding the leprechaun's pace. He leapt upon the table and hid behind the ornate centerpiece.

Neji sighed as he removed a book from his pocket. "The future King of Ireland is in bed with my cousin and fighting a monstrous raccoon…..dog…..bear…..THING in the basement." He ripped the pages from the book one at a time. "There is a leprechaun hiding behind the flower pot from the madman who keeps the Monstrous Raccoon…..Dog…..Bear…..THING as a pet." He tore each page in half, then in quarters. "2 days ago, there was a giant leprechaun dancing in front of the King of England as part of a daring plot for a criminal with good intentions to sweep his beloved off her feet and save her from public humiliation. And recently, Fate has conspired with the monstrous raccoon…..dog…..bear…..THING to make me climb and descend as many stairs as possible." He gathered up the paper and walked over to the hearth. "And what did astrology tell me? Did it warn me that I would be subjected to the future King of Ireland's ballistic means of transportation? No! All it said was 'Your tremendous energy is great for blazing new trails!' Well, blaze these trails!" He threw the shreds into the flames and returned to the table.

As if she had secretly won some grand battle, a victory over forces unknown, Tenten suddenly became…cheerfully sunny. "So, back to Tarot cards then?"

"Yes, back to those damned cards. At least they can predict the weather half the time."

Jimmy timidly stepped out from behind the centerpiece. "Well, I suppose I should tell you all why I'm here." He cleared his throat, and removed the hat from his head. Holding the little green top hat over his heart, he announced: "Jiraiya was captured and brought to Castle Mullox, where he is no doubt being tortured and possibly executed."

_**AND BAM! CLIFFHANGER!**_

* * *

* Neck armor

**For those not in the know, Jim Flaherty is the current finance minister of Canada and the representative of my region. I had to do some volunteer work for his campaign office back when they were having the election. Never met the man, mind you, but still, badass.

***Medieval torture device. Describing it and its use would probably bring the rating up to M, so go Wikipedia it.

For the record seafood makes me want to puke, but fish'n'chips seem such a big hit in the UK, so why not toss them in? This chapter was written mostly by typing all the dialogue first, then filling the blanks in. I used this technique experimentally; comment if you think it improves my writing.


	17. Evil Makes You Friends

_**I've give you all enough warnings by now. Hidan is not representative of the average Francophone.**_

* * *

It was a dreary day at Castle Mullox. The fog was thick as mid winter blankets, and the vision of the mercenaries was severely limited as they stood warily at their posts. Deep within the depths of the castle, however, there was a room illuminated brilliant by the reflection of a single torch. This room, of course, was the one containing the massive pot of gold that Kakuzu had taken from Jiraiya. As Jimmy delivered his grim news many days walk south in Sundun, Shikamaru was slightly less surprised than the others; after all, if Kakuzu ever had captured Jiraiya, Castle Mullox was the only citadel in all of Europe with doors and hallways large enough to fit the pot through them.

Deep underground in the bowels of the Castle, Kakuzu stood on the edge of the golden pot, gazing over its golden gloriousness. He let the towel around his waste, the only article of clothing on his body other than his crown and the ring on his left middle finger, slip to the ground far below him. He jumped into the pot, performing a perfect swan dive as he slithered into the mass of gold coins. He swam down, down until he touched the bottom. Then he reversed direction and shot up, emerging from the coins like a shark leaps from the water when it attacks a seal. Then he dived down, and then up, and then down and then up. He attempted to swim through the gold pool like a dolphin playing in the ocean, but the result was much more comparable to the breaching of a humpbacked whale.

Irritable as ever, Hidan waited at the bottom of the ladder which Kakuzu had used to climb atop his fantastic 'swimming pool'. Growling foul curses under breath about the 'black robe' dress code, he waited as politely as he could; ready to hand Kakuzu his towel. As he heard the King climb down the ladder, Hidan grimaced and looked away, holding the towel as far away from himself as he could. He only looked back after he felt the towel leave his hand and counted to 20. "Ree-lee, Ka-ku-zu. Must you com-plee-tlee un-dress when you go swee-meeng?"

"Perhaps, but it would only feel half as good." Kakuzu responded callously, drinking dark red wine from a golden goblet he had grabbed off a conveniently located table. "How is our guest doing? I trust you are providing him a comfortable stay."

"Euuh…… why don't you de-ceede dzat for your-self?" Hidan chimed cheerfully. He lead Kakuzu to the iron maiden fastened to the wall and opened it with dramatic deliberation. Inside was a naked, bloody Jiraiya with many holes in his torso. Bound to the innards of the fiendish device, he was uncharacteristically weak and weary. Blood dribbled from the freshest holes. "As you can see, Ee have gee-ven heem dze feen-est seat een dze house. Dzere ees no doubt een my meend dzat he ree-lee app-ree-shee-ates dze dee-fer-ence my a-ten-shun makes." Hidan leaned into the suffering leprechauns face menacingly. "Now, tell me, monsieur Jee-rye-ah, do you feel leeke dee-scuss-eeng where your peet-ee-ful ass-osh-ee-ates leeke to heede from me?"

Painfully sober, Jiraiya shifted his head and spoke in a hoarse whisper. "One time, I walked into a bar with a priest and a rabbi. I was in the wrong joke!" A spat of feeble laughter escaped his lips. Hidan shook his head. The spikes on the doors were rearranged, and when they shut, laughter was replaced with a cry of pain.

"TABERNAC! Dzees ees ree-deec-ulus, Ka-ku-zu!" Hidan shouted, waving his arms around. "Eef we want Shee-ka-ma-ru, why do we not just send dze mer-cen-arees to Sundun? We know dzat eet hees dze home of hees lay-dee friend…."

"…and it is therefore his most likely destination, yes, but we have no idea how long he means to stay there." Kakuzu intoned, taking another sip of his wine and stroking his chin. "Although now that you mention it, it would be wise to send Kisame on a little trip to visit the newly promoted Baron."

"Euuh… but Kee-same has all-red-ee left for Eye-er-land at Zetsu's com-and."

"WHAT?!?!" Kakuzu's eyes bulged with rage. "This is unbelievable! Our leader's been dead for years now, but that twofaced weed keeps handing out orders!" His ire simmering, Kakuzu resumed the stroking of his chin. "Zetsu's not leader material, it can't be him coming up with the orders. But who does that leave? Everyone is dead except for that masked idiot."

There was much chin stroking and pensive eyebrow furrowing, but Kakuzu could not come up with an answer to his own query as he slipped a black robe on. Bored by the heavy silence in the air, Hidan gazed wistfully at the ring on his left index finger. A flood of memories washed over him. "Kakuzu?"

"Hm?"

"Do you meess dze odz-ers?"

Kakuzu unfurled his brow in great surprise. "What?"

"Dze odz-ers, do you…eeeuuh….meess dzem?"

"No! Of course not! That would be preposterous!" Kakuzu scorned him, finishing his wine. "The leader was some naïve fool who had waded too deep in mystic realms, his consort a washed up whore, and Itachi…bah! I don't even know where to start with him, his ideals, and his 'greater purposes'".

Hidan shifted his gaze away from his ring to the circular pendant around his neck. "Ah, but you are for-get-teeng dze ar-teests, non?"

"Those fools?" Kakuzu broke out into hearty laughter. "The only thing I miss about them is the absurd logic of their frequent arguments."

"And dzey would all-ways end dze same way…BOOM!" Both men broke into riotous laughter. "Ah…good teemes, good teemes."

"Now you have put me in the mood for merriment. I think I shall have the mercenaries do something humiliating for our amusement." Kakuzu made his way out the door, up the vast stairwell leading to the main floor.

Like a puppy following its master, Hidan skipped happily alongside him. "Euh, what shall we have dzem do dzen?"

"I don't know, I suppose we'll have to come up with something."

"What-ever eet ees, eet should def-een-eet-lee een-volve-"

Hidan was cut off by a thunderous crash just inside the castle walls and a great shaking of the earth, as if an asteroid had fallen from the sky. Various parts of the castle crumbled and caught fire as the roar of the flames was accompanied by a bellow that shook the very foundations of the castle from a terrible beast that could not have been spawned from anywhere other than the darkest pits of Hell. The unseen mercenaries' screams were drowned out by the snarls of the beast as it killed them in what sounded like an extremely gruesome manner.

Kakuzu and Hidan emerged from the rubble not even close to unscathed. Bleeding and covered in burns from the melting castle walls, Kakuzu was filled with rage beyond his usual scope._** "WHAT IN BLAZES IS BRINGING DOWN MY-"**_

And then, as the mist turned to transparent steam, they saw the beast.

The head was definitely that of a feral canid, with disproportionately large incisors, canines and carnassials sticking out of its muzzle in a vicious, permanent grimace. The eyes glowed a wicked red; the pupils nothing but thin slits of the ultimate darkness from which all terrors spawned. Its lower body was a hybrid of a cave bear and a gorilla with 8 times the muscle mass of both combined. Long, black claws scratched the ground, leaving gaping trenches in the burnt earth. The beast stood over 5 meters tall, but its aura of evil extended up further than that. A blood red cloak of demonic power flowed off its thick auburn fur like a volcano belched molten lava. The cloak twisted into forms of fears so primal and powerful they would make the worst nightmares of the average human scream like little girls, wet their pants and run crying to their mommies.

Hidan opened his mouth. He tried to swear. He tried to let loose his usual stream of immense profanity. But he couldn't. He was too afraid.

The beast was Rawhead. And Rawhead was very, _very_ angry.

* * *

Next chapter: a revelation that no one will be able to predict! And no, it's not that Rawhead's sealed in Naruto. That's obvious.


	18. Roar of the Rawhead

Rawhead roared with the fury of a hundred tempests. The trees in surrounding forest were shattered into countless splinters before igniting into a giant sphere of fire. The roar would certainly have rendered Hidan and Kakuzu deaf…if they were as mortal as you and I.

Kakuzu cracked his neck bones. He knew of this 'Rawhead' beast. It had been one of the beasts Kisame and the Irishman had been assigned to. That had been before everything had gone to hell. Still, if the folklore held true, Rawhead would be a considerable opponent for them. He shifted his eyes to Hidan before smacking him over the head. "Stay focused, idiot. We'll need all that we've got to beat this thing."

Hidan and Kakuzu had become what they were in different ways. Hidan was a simple warrior who had found a wicked deity that would allow him to use the most forbidden of all magics in exchange for the slaughter of an entire race. Sure, he had to keep spilling blood in a ritualistic manner to prevent his phylactery from rejecting his soul, but it was worth it. Kakuzu was a skilled sorcerer who had changed himself by the more conventional arcane method. It had not been perfect; his phylactery would cease to function if it was not embedded in a beating human heart (though Sasori's had not been much better, requiring that it be entombed in his personal still beating heart. Kakuzu often wondered what magic the necromancer had used to keep it beating and free from rotting for so long) So before his original heart rotted and stopped beating, he tore the hearts from the chests of his masters and shoved them in his own. He removed all the unnecessary organs – they were all superfluous to him now, except for his hearts – and filled his torso with freshly harvested hearts. Whenever the heart containing the phylactery grew weak, he shifted the phylactery to another heart. He needed to keep them all in his chest though; one heart might suddenly fail, and he could not afford to not have a replacement on hand if that occurred. So he boiled all the remaining flesh from his bones and cured it, just like Sasori had. Then he stitched it all back together with black thread. The result wasn't pretty. But in the end, there was really no difference between them. Immortality, in one form or another, is immortality.

"Eeuh? Wha? Ah, oui, dze beast. Ee sup-pose we must take care of heem." A flick of the wrist, and a large, triple bladed scythe appeared in Hidan's grasp.

Early in their (undead) lives, they had both learned to conceal their true nature from those around them (for Hidan it meant a few extra sacrifices to keep his body young and not decaying, for Kakuzu it mean covering up his entire body from the neck down) if only to facilitate their killings. It would prove a useful skill; after they lost the mutual protection of their organization, they needed to hide from heroes versed in both weaponry and magic who sought to slay them. Taking over England? That was just a way to get more security, more guards, more warning when the heroes came. And for Kakuzu, a method to obtain more of that precious, precious gold which comforted him like nothing else did.

"Kisame will be so disappointed when he learns that the 'Lich Brothers' took down the beast assigned to him." Kakuzu's voice was filled with murderous glee. As a part of his guise as a greedy, cruel but otherwise normal human, he had to refrain from using his powerful sorcery. But now, no such restraints existed. Rawhead had not seen them, and he intended to use that to its full advantage. Thrusting his hands to the sky, he conjured electric power in the sky with Storm Wrath* magic. Rawhead heard the rumble of thunder and looked up to the sky. He roared angrily at the flashes above him. Kakuzu gestured, and a lightning bolt of diameter 16 meters struck the beast. He furrowed his eyebrows. "The beast is putting up too much resistance. You're going to have to make a close range kill."

The French lich chuckled. "Ah, dze mee-lee com-bat, she ees my spe-cee-al-eetee!" He thrust the scythe over his head and charged toward the blinding light. But the lightning seemed to evaporate suddenly, as if Rawhead had thrown it away. As Hidan leaped to stab the beast in the face, Rawhead delivered a haymaker to the lich's torso, sending him flying to the side. The aura of power clung to Hidan's flesh, eating away at it like highly concentrated sulfuric acid on hellfire. Before he hit the ground, Hidan had been reduced to bones.

With Hidan out of the picture, Rawhead turned his focus to the other lich. He roared and unleashed darkness from within himself, seeming to sweat drops of pure malice. The 108 beads of evil and the 108 globules of fear coalesced. First the small droplets joined in groups of 6, then the newly formed spheres joined again 6 at a time, and finally the 6 large orbs combined into a massive ball of swirling hatred and terror in front of Rawhead's gaping jaws. Kakuzu cursed. If Rawhead had borrowed his numbers from both Lucifer's Beast and the Samsara Wheel** to produce this technique, then he must truly been the most powerful demon he had ever fought.

The hatred and fear vaporized suddenly, turning into pure destruction. Kakuzu judged the magnitude of the carnage it would cause, and prepared his strongest Earth Grudge shield. He planned to survive the orb's eruption and launch a counterattack with his Fire Purity and Wind Cleanse combo (he had learned very little of 'good magic' as an apprentice, but he had learned enough to know that the strongest demons could not be defeated with arcane magic) Nonetheless, he was surprised when Rawhead roared on the orb, adding a chaotic element to it and converting it to a beam attack.

Kakuzu kept his shield up and dodged hard to the left. The beam missed him completely, instead annihilating any features of the landscape in its path that had not already been obliterated by the inferno that consumed the forests earlier. However, waves of chaos tangent to the destruction passed through his shield and were readily absorbed by his undead body. The chaos wrought havoc on the intricate network of arcane energies flowing through him, and he felt several of his hearts burst. As the network disintegrated, he felt all the power he had obtained as a sorcerer leave him. They would return as the phylactery repaired the network, but he was not sure he had the time to-

Without any warning or indication as to how he got there, Rawhead was suddenly behind him. It picked up his broken shell in a single clawed hand and squeezed until his sternum cracked. Then, with millennia of experience, pulled back his ribs with his thumb, exposing the remaining hearts. The aura of evil around Rawhead's other hand shifted into what we would recognize as a buzzsaw and spun rapidly. Grinning with murderous glee, he thrust his arm and its buzzsaw aura into several of the hearts. Kakuzu flailed desperately, trying to ward off the beast. This merely annoyed Rawhead, who proceeded to rape his mind with horrors beyond the comprehension of the human psyche. Pleased to see his victim's body pacified, Rawhead resumed his grisly grind.

Hidan's triple scythe suddenly stabbed through the back of Rawhead's spine. Confused, Rawhead dropped Kakuzu swung around to sever his attacker in twain. Hidan's skeleton, animated as when there was muscle on the bone, pulled out his scythe and nimbly dodged the buzzsaw before plunging his weapon into the beast's forehead. A spectral image of his fleshy self was superimposed over the skeleton, and it was grinning madly. Again and again it struck the beast on the head, all the while avoiding further blows. Eventually, Rawhead grew tired of this harassment and loped away out of sight. His demonic energies disappeared, indicating he had return to from wherever he had come.

Hidan rushed over to Kakuzu. Although it would pain him to admit it, the other lich had been the closed thing he had to a friend. "KA-KU-ZU! Can you hear me, Ka-ku-zu?"

A rough cough confirmed he was still undead. "Hearts….it got almost all of my hearts." He coughed again, this time more violently, as he sat up. "Only one heart left….and a scratch on my phylactery."

"Phee-lak-ter-ee? Ees dzere any chance of dze da-mage get-teeng worse?"

"It's almost guaranteed, I need to repair it." Kakuzu stumbled to his feet. "There's a cavern on the south coast where I stashed the necessities for a repair. Won't be too far if I use the proper distortions…." He began to limp directly south.

"Ka-ku-zu! You dzeenk you can make eet alone?"

"Don't kid with me. I've still got enough power to take on anyone I should encounter. You're better off here, I'm going to need a lot of auric therapy after this."

"Eeuhhh….say what?"

"The gold, Hidan, protect the gold!"

And with that, Hidan stood and watched as his only friend walked away through a landscape he distorted with arcane magic. He did not understand how magic could be used to bring 2 places closer together, but that was not important. In a few minutes, he was already half a day's walk away and the distortions disappeared behind him.

* I'm trying to build a little magic system of my own here. I figure it should go Power, Aspect. They're both pretty loose terms, so you can just stick in whatever you want.

**Yeah, we all know that 666 is the Number of The Beast. And with a calculator, you could figure out 216 is 6x6x6. But did you also know that in Buddhism, 108, 216 divided by 2, is the number of temptations that humans face, which tie them to the Wheel of _Samsara?_ I figure that's an all round epic cultural reference win for me.

Wow, I think this is undergoing Cerebus syndrome. Better make the next chapter light to balance it out.


	19. Revelations

And now, so that this fic doesn't get too intense, some lighter stuff:

Gaara kept a very large trebuchet in the courtyard of Castle Sundun. An impressive sight when loaded, it was even more awesome to watch firing a load. The 3 O'Higgins guests, however, were not impressed when they saw this incredible sight. In fact, they didn't feel any 'positive' emotions at all. And considering Naruto had launched himself from the trebuchet, no one could really blame them for standing there, staring to the north, trying to see where he landed. They were no doubt displeased by the fire and lightning they saw. Even after the distant battle had passed, a feeling of immense dread hung over them. Neji turned his head to Tenten. "Do you still have those Tarot cards on you?"

"Hm?"

"The Tarot cards. Do you still have them?"

"Oh, wait, hold on…." She began to look through her various pockets.

"Would they be able to tell us whether or not Naruto is still alive?"

"Well, the Tarot cards can only predict the future of the one who picks them, so maybe indirectly…."

"Hn. Well, at this point we need all the help we can get."

Meanwhile, back in the dining hall, Shikamaru buried his face in his forearms and rested his head upon the table. Choji was drowning his newfound sorrow by eating the legs of the unidentified ungulate that Baki had hunted earlier in the week. Temari was off somewhere else, scolding her little brother (whose maniacal laughter was so loud it could be heard in every part of the castle) for what he had done.

Shikamaru sighed. "Why did he have to tell Naruto his largest trebuchet was pointed at Castle Mullox?"

"I think he already established that with his whole 'other people's suffering makes me happy' speech."

Silence reigned over the room for a few moments; then Shikamaru raised his head from the table, rubbing his eyes. "See, this is why I like working with you. You're always at my side, not just because I ask you to be, and not just because that's how it's always been, but because you simply don't have anything better to do with your time. Naruto and Kiba, on the other hand, they……have their own agendas."

Choji finished the last of the legs. Ever-ravenous, he eyed the rest of the roasted ungulate before him. With a heavy hand, he held fast onto the animal's torso and ripped a great piece of its rump off. He chomped viciously on the tough but ever so flavorful meat. "You've got a plan to fix all this, right?"

Shikamaru blew air vapidly through his lips as he eyed the papers before him. Jim had an astounding amount of information on the castle; its layout, weak points, guard patrols and other going-ons of its residents were laid out in staggering detail. It made one wonder why the leprechauns did not try to save Jiraiya by themselves. "Mullox definitely isn't impenetrable. There are several points which could easily be broken into, but we'd have to go in a very small group to avoid attention."

"How small a group?"

"Just you and me."

Choji swallowed. "Kind of risky, don't you think?"

"It's not like we have anyone to spare. Lady Hinata's brain has been reduced to oatmeal by this incident, and somebody needs to stay here and make sure she's okay. Temari's going to have to stay to keep an eye on Gaara and that prototype of his….."

Choji finished the rump meat and tore another piece off. "You mean she's gonna make sure he points it at what needs to be knocked down, not at us."

"Precisely. She has to stay here for that reason, so I can conserve manpower by asking her to make sure Hinata's fine." Shikamaru overlooked the map concerning the blue man's path. "If what I heard is true about General Kisame, then I'm going to need someone to cover his escape. It's quite possible that Jiraiya has been sealed in a small bottle somewhere, and that Kisame is taking him to an unknown location. If that is the case, any work done at Castle Mullox might prove fruitless."

"And you're sending that nice Irish couple to do it?"

"Don't have many other options. It's either we go to Castle Mullox and they cover Kisame, or they go to Castle Mullox and we cover Kisame."

Choji tore off another piece of meat, and was contemplative for a brief moment before shoving it in his mouth. "I think they'd prefer it if they went to Castle Mullox where Naruto is."

"And in an ideal world, that's what my plan would be." Shikamaru sighed. "Unfortunately, they don't seem to have the same experience sneaking around as we do." He eyed the table. "You know that was for both of us, right?"

"Oh, yeah, I left some for you." Choji shoved one of the ungulates shoulders his way.

"It's going to be troublesome convincing them to go after Kisame."

"Maybe on your own, but not you have Temari on your side."

They both chortled quietly. "Yes, I suppose."

* * *

Short chapter is short. And don't take offense for Hinata; I believe Naruto would have to do something far more brain dead than that to cause her any mental damage. I must also warn you all that the end is drawing near. At the time I'm writing this, I'm guessing 3-4 chapters more.


	20. Luck of the Irish

Kisame stood on the hill overlooking the Irish Sea. What a wonderful shade of blue, he thought to himself. The weather was clear, and the ocean reflected fully the beauty of the sky. It was days like today that Kisame remembered why he never married. The sea was his mistress, and she desperately beckoned him. Calling him, begging him to plunge into her depths, he felt obliged to indulge her caprices. He turned his eyes to the small river to his left. It was quite underwhelming compared to the majesty and power of the sea, but for now it would do. All rivers flowed to the sea, after all.

As he took a step towards the water, he heard the shrill shriek of a sharp blade hurtling through the air at him. Knife. It was definitely a knife. He partially unsheathed the sword on his back to deflect it, and the blade fell to the ground harmlessly. The sound of many more blades, some knives, some axes this time, followed. He fully unsheathed the sword, employing his masterful technique to block all the projectiles. Kisame turned his eyes to his attacker.

The representatives from Ireland! He could never have anticipated them attacking him. Indeed, he had not even known them to be that capable of fighting. The man brandished the traditional shillelagh (the economy of Ireland must have been poor indeed if the O'Higgins clan could not equip all of its nobles with swords) and the woman many more throwing weapons. Kisame grinned his shark-like grin. Perhaps a little warm-up before he found his target wouldn't be a bad idea.

Shikamaru were very surprised when they arrived at what was left of Castle Mullox. They knew Naruto would've caused SOME damage, but they were expecting a gaping hole in a wall or a ruined tower, not the entire castle reduced to rubble. Even taking into account the large fireball and lightning bolt, there was no logical way Naruto could have brought about that scale of damage, crazy leprechaun magic and lucky shamrock or not. But then, 'logical' was a word rarely used to describe Naruto or anything he does.

Shikamaru's eyes scoured the scorched earth as Choji searched through the rubble. It was widely known that Castle Mullox had a massive system of dungeons buried beneath it, and there had to be an entrance somewhere. The place was absolutely deserted, and they did not need to keep an eye out for guards. Once they were inside, of course, that would change. With no sentries above to give an idea to the size of the force, they had no way of knowing how many guards were hiding below. There would be either no guards, or many guards.

Kisame stood smirking over his opponents. He had cleaved the shillelagh in twain, and the woman had exhausted her arsenal. Now all that remained was for him to strike the killing blows. They lay there before him, huddled before him, anticipating their doom. He always liked to see people at their weakest.

"I never really saw us going out this way."

"Well, it's been nice knowing you."

"I'm going to miss all those sunsets we were going to see together."

"I love you too."

Kisame laughed as he raised his sword. But without warning, a loud, energetic voice shouted in his ear: _**"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"**_ And before he knew it, a great kick from a strong man wearing metal boots landed in his face. Caught off guard, his limp body flew away, landing hard on the thankfully soft grassy meadow many yards away. Recovering from the blow, Kisame looked up slowly, trying to size up his new opponent. There stood a tall man; a swordless knight in the fullest of armors. The armor was painted a ridiculously vibrant green, and was emblazoned with a crest featuring numerous shamrocks. Kisame frowned. The knight wore a large helmet, but even with his face hidden it was obvious he was wearing that big, stupid smile he always did. _**"SMITING A YOUNG COUPLE IN A FIELD OF SUCH GREAT YOUTH? HOW UNJUST! PREPARE THYSELF, OH NAMELESS BLUE FIEND OF THE SEA, FOR THE YOUTHFUL RECKONING OF SIR GUY THE MIGHTY, GREEN KNIGHT OF THE IRISH FISTICUFFS ORDER OF YOUTH!" **_That moron could not even remember his name! It eluded him how the knight had survived their last encounter.

Near Kisame's former prey, a teen wearing a similar outfit appeared to help them to their feet. No doubt it was Guy's infamous squire, Shamrock Lee.

"Lee! I've never been so happy to see you!"

"How in Saint Patricks' name did you know we needed your help?"

"_**We didn't! We merely heard that King Kakashi was returning to England soon!"**_

"What? King Kakashi the Courageous is returning?"

"_**YOSH! And we believed it would be most youthful of us to greet him when he arrives, and to then aid him in vanquishing that most unyouthful tyrant Kakuzu that has risen in his absence!"**_

"IT'S A MIRACLE!"

"I'll say! This is the only time I've ever listened to him say 'yosh' without cringing!"

Kisame ignored the idle chatter and returned his focus to his opponent…for what good it did him. Guy had already scored an awesome uppercut on his jaw, sending him flying upward. Then, with speed no man wearing that much armor should be able to muster, he leapt up, speeding past him. He grabbed hold of the German, and then plunged downwards into a spinning piledrive. _**"PRIMARY SHAMROCK!" **_They hit the ground hard, with Guy bounding away relatively unscathed and Kisame skipping like a stone on water across the ground.

Kisame stopped bouncing near the river. Beaten and bruised, he concluded 2 things. The first was that he could, using his water magic, very easily kill Guy, his squire, and his 2 initial assailants. The second is that it wasn't worth it. He crawled into the river and, using many years of swimming skill as well as the aforementioned water magic, put the crazy green knight far behind him.

"_**YOUTH PREVAILS!"**_

_**

* * *

**_Comic Relief Fight was comically relieving. I'm really sorry that I can't say the same for the next chapter. Which reminds me, I need to finish it.


	21. 16: THIS IS BRITAIN!

Choji's torch did a poor job of lighting the dark, underground halls. The flickering flame illuminated his surroundings only dimly enough to see 10 paces ahead of him, and he felt not unlike he was in a minor nightmare. The silence was deafening; not a single creature, vertebrate or invertebrate, stirred in the darkness. The air was bone dry and he never heard the trickling of water off in the distance somewhere. In its ruination, much of the stone structure had been reduced to a thick layer of fine sand covering the floor beneath his feet, softening the sound of his foot steps. Choji had found the entrance to this underworld labyrinth perhaps an hour earlier, and Shikamaru had told him to take a right while he took the left at the first instance the path split. Choji was by no means a coward, but he wasn't an idiot either. He realized quickly that sound did not echo as it usually did down here, and if something were to happen to one of them, the other would never know it. That notion disturbed him.

A faint light emanated from around the corner, and Choji increased his pace. It appeared his search might be approaching its end.

* * *

Shikamaru did not like this place.

He was used to using the darkness to his advantage. Attacking when his night-adjusted eyes would give him an edge over his opponent. If there was anything down here, its eyes would already be adjusted. His wouldn't, not for another few hours at least. Here, the darkness was to his disadvantage.

He had wandered for maybe an hour now, and his legs were beginning to tire. The trip from Sundun to Castle Mullox had been a grueling journey. However as much of a young man he was, he wasn't without limits, and his stamina was the most prominent of them. Then again, slowing his gait had its advantages. He might not have noticed the blood soaked sand if he had been going at his usual pace.

A quick scan of the wall confirmed the presence of a secret door, and the opening mechanism was not hard to find. However, it was what lay beyond the door that would be difficult to comprehend.

Corpses. Mangled, mutilated corpses. Some were fresh, some half-decayed, the rest reduced to bones. It was obvious that the fatal wounds were delivered after the mutilations, which pointed to cold blooded torture. But who could stomach deed as foul as this?

Oh, and how twisted was the manner in which he was revealed; for in the middle of the room, in a circle with a triangle inscribed within painted on the floor with blood, lay Hidan's guillotine.

It was at about this point that Hidan walked in, dragging with him the corpse of a freshly slaughtered 12 year old boy that he had found wandering around the ruins. He had been a surprisingly strong struggler, and Hidan, in his weakened state, was sure that The Dark One would understand killing in the field instead of dragging him back to his lair for the full sacrificial ritual. And it seemed that The Dark One understood completely, for who was waiting in his sacrificial chambers upon his return but his most elusive quarry, Shikamaru?

* * *

Somewhere, out in the world, a small child discovered the joy of flying a kite. Given the time period, he was probably in China.

This doesn't have any relevance to the story at all. However, so many corpses were maimed in such extreme and gruesome manners during the battle between Shikamaru and Hidan, I would have to spend 3 years at med school studying human anatomy to properly describe the fight. No updates for 3 years, or some kid in China flying a kite. Take your pick.

No, seriously, get your dirty pickaxe off the carpet. I just vacuumed there.

* * *

Shikamaru slumped to the floor, the left side of his torso suddenly bloodied. Hidan stood there a moment, stunned. Had he done it? Had he finally slain the opponent who had eluded his own death for so long? A quick check of the pulse confirmed otherwise.

The Dark One wanted a ritual slaughter, then.

Turning his back on Shikamaru, Hidan gleefully prepared his guillotine; the blade was pulled up to its greatest height. Tying the rope in place, he turned back….only to find Shikamaru had disappeared. His head whirled around desperately, eyes searching for his opponent.

Hidan looked for a long while before staring at the point he had last seen Shikamaru. The corpse. The fresh of the twelve year old boy had 3 more gouges in its torso than it did when he dragged it in. Shikamaru, he realized, had been in front of the corpse when he was 'stabbed'. Was it possible that all the blood on Shikamaru's torso hadn't been his, but from the corpse instead? It would have been so like him to fake his death with a slight of hand trick to gain the upper hand…

Hidan was so deep in thought that he failed to notice Shikamaru come up behind him, grab him by the head and trap him in his own guillotine. By the time he had become aware of this, it was too late for him to do anything other than swear.

"Quoi….quoi…QOUI A LA TABERNAC-"

"Well, it as just as you said; one of us did end up in the guillotine."

"NON NON NON! YOU ARE NOT EVEN DO-EENG EET REE-GHT! EE AM SUP-PO-SED TO BE FACE-EENG DOWN! EE AM NOT SUP-PO-SED TO SEE DZE BLADE COM-EENG!" Hidan protested loudly. Shikamaru pulled the lever and the blade fell anyway, swiftly severing Hidan's head from his body. The head rolled over twice in the air, and landed facing Shikamaru.

"Doesn't seem to make a difference."

Hidan was not amused. "Stu-peed lee-tle eeng-lee-sh man! You have re-moved mee head from mee bod-ee. NOW WHAT?"

"Hn. Looks like the blade was too fast after all."

"Non, stu-peed! Ee am un-dead! A leech! Ee cannot be keelled dzat ea-see-lee!"

Shikamaru held up Hidan's pendant. "This wouldn't happen to be the phylactery that's keeping you in the realm of the living, would it?"

Hidan was both shocked and amazed. Not only had Shikamaru known that a lich could be defeated by breaking its phylactery (the library! He probably looked it up some long time ago in his blasted family library!) and deduced that his pendant was his phylactery, but had also taken it off his person without him noticing. Then again, he shouldn't have been surprised. He had pickpocketed keys off him before. While wearing heavy manacles, no less.

"You would not dare!"

Hidan's ghostly eyes widened as Shikamaru snapped the pendant between his fingers.

"Een ret-ro-spect, may-be Ee should have made eet out of sum-dzeeng weedz a hee-er ten-see-le strength."

The temperature of the room swelled, and a menacing cackling began to echo in the room. The corpses began to smolder, then ignited with a hellish blaze. The floor tiles inside the triangle feel away into an infinitely deep pit filled with grasping hands covered in mouths of sharp teeth and red eyes with 3 small pupils embedded within the iris.

Hidan did not curse. The time for cursing was long past. Now was the time to plead with his dark god for mercy. He tried first in his native tongue, then what he knew of Latin, and finally the tongue the Dark One had taught him. His voice, usually arrogant and sharp, was quite pathetic and afraid.

Shikamaru, wide eyed as Hidan, backed away slowly as the circle of blood began to glow. He leaped backward when a giant hand, similar to those in the pit, burst up through the circle and grabbed Hidan, guillotine and all. Unable to watch anymore, Shikamaru bolted out the door, hitting the closing mechanism on the way out. Then he kept running, brain scrambling to remember the way out in the darkness. The exhaustion that had plagued him no longer mattered; a voice followed him from that room, a booming voice speaking of evil things in a language no mortal could understand. Collapsing near the door out, Shikamaru wobbled on his hands and knees. The voice echoed, but grew fainter as another voice called out his name.

* * *

Choji dashed down the hallway towards Shikamaru, completely ignorant of the mental horrors he was fighting off. "Shikamaru! I've got great news! Naruto managed to free Jiraiya!"

Naruto and Jiraiya were quick to follow. "And what's more, I got all the gold in Castle Mullox redistributed to its proper owners using an elaborate system of tunnels in the space time continuum….. I mean, leprechaun magic!"

"What can I say? The boy can get anything done when he puts his mind to it!"

Banishing the horrors he had just encountered from his head (his friend's overwhelmingly positive attitude really helped. Either that, or the Dark One sensed Rawhead and decided he did not enjoy being on the receiving end of mind rape. Take your pick), Shikamaru resumed his usual overly relaxed demeanor. "Well, it looks like we're finished here. Time to get back to Sundun I suppose."

And with that, they exited the underground halls. But nothing could prepare them for what was waiting outside….

* * *

I'm off to the math exams tomorrow, and then I'm finished with high school for good. Wish me luck!


	22. NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

The fluff's back folks!

* * *

Acres and acres of men wearing funny red robes lay before them. Naruto stared, bug eyed.

"Do you think this is Kakuzu's doing?"

"Maybe….if he pulled the right strings…I….I…I was not expecting the Spanish Inquisition."

"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!" shouted one of them, jumping up. "Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms!"

Choji blinked. "Pope? That sounds like the name of a guy who goes out in the woods to shi-"

The religious madman pointed his quivering finger at Naruto. "You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. Now, how do you plead?"

Naruto tilted his head in the manner of a confused dog. "What exactly do you mean by 'diverse'? And which church are we talking about here?"

The entire mass of inquisitors chortled with diabolical laughter. "We'll soon change your mind about that!" The red horde removed planks of wood from beneath themselves and began to assemble various instruments of torture with tools formerly hidden in their robes.

This only made Naruto even more confused. "I DIDN'T EVEN TELL THEM HOW I PLEAD YET!" He was overwhelmed with the temptation to beat the holiness out of them, but he knew that would just be asking for a smiting. Then again, these guys were complete and utter jackasses who abused the good name of Catholics everywhere. If God cared about the affairs of men, then surely He would have no problem with him ripping these men new assholes. On the other hand, if He cared about humanity at all, and not just His own vain, insatiable desire to be worshipped, He probably would have smote the lot of them already.

* * *

Many miles away to the south, Gaara glared at this scene angrily through his telescope. "THOSE FOOLS!" he shouted furiously, throwing his telescope away, shattering it into tiny pieces. "THAT'S MY DESIGNS THEY'VE RIPPED OFF! NOBODY RIPS OFF BARON GAARA!" He scurried over to his already aimed prototype, which was in fact a very large cannon, and lit the fuse. It went off with a bang that was so loud everyone in the British Isles immediately stopped whatever they were doing, dropped whatever they were carrying and nervously looked around when they heard it. Gaara laughed maniacally as the large iron cannonball crashed down on the Inquisitors, slaying all of them to a man.

And Jiraiya stood there, wondering if this was an act of God or that 'Karma' thing he had heard about while traveling in the Far East.

* * *

The enormous army of Scotsman stood on a hilltop overlooking the slain horde of Spanish Inquisitors. Their leader, Suigetsu the Brrrraw, a strong young leader who was arguably eligible for the Throne of Scotland, cursed loudly from atop his horse. (And it is at this point I recommend you roll your r's on this one. For those of you who like to read these crazy accent aloud, consider taking 2 or 3 shots of liquor right now.) "Damnit Kiba, yeh drrrrrag us all doon yonder the Borrrrderrrrrlands tae slaughter a wad o'Catholic ninnies and show the King of the Brrrits whit weirrrr made oudda, yet we git here and its jist a field o'corrrrrrpses!"

Kiba was not too pleased about this either. "FOUK! FOUK FOUK FOUK! Some luck I 'ave. I wannae keel sum-ane meself and a giant ball o'iron falls from the sky on 'em! But 'ave ane man whose death means yer country's freedom and he's immortal 'til ye personally stick 'is heid on a pike!"

"'Old on, methinks therrrrre be a few surrrrrvivorrrrrs."

Kiba squinted. "Hey! I ken those lads!"

"Oy, they the lads ye been hiding wit' all this time?"

"Aye! Tis them!"

Suigetsu looked pensive for a moment. "Then they be aff to Sundun now?"

"Aye."

"How many kegs o'lagerrrr did ye spot in the cellarrrrr?"

"Least a 'undred."

Suigetsu thought as deeply as his brain allowed him to. "Well then, A'suppose t'would be bettah firrrrrr us to take 'em back to Sundun then."

"Aye, and perhaps while we're pounding back a few, we can finally 'igure out those rumors o' Kakashi's return."

And so the Scottish army sauntered down the hillside. Surely, it wasn't nearly as impressive a sight as if they had charged down and slaughtered the Spanish Inquisition, but the horde of rebels pouring down into the dale was still pretty badass.

* * *

Kakuzu repaired the last crack in his phylactery with the purple flame emanating from his fingertips. He snuffed the magical flame, and pushed the phylactery back into his heart and placed his heart back into his torso. Humming a jaunty tune as he stitched his chest back up, he glanced around his underground hideaway, paranoid that someone might be observing him from the shadows.

He laughed. Yes, his paranoia was warranted in his weakened state, but seriously, who could find him in this extremely isolated cave high in the cliffs on the southern coast of England? Hell, who would ever even come to this cave for any purpose? (Well, there was that one time with the young couple, but it had all worked out because he needed another pair of hearts at the time) Finished, he neatly put away his things in a small bag, and tucked the small bag into his robe.

And because the only plot device I have left is a surprise deus ex machina, Kakashi showed up and stabbed Kakuzu through the heart (*coughphylacterycough*) with a large sword.

"Oh, come on!" Kakuzu lamented, pinned to the table on which he performed surgery on himself. "I know the plot needs to be wrapped up and everything, but really, that was just a cheap way of getting out of writing another combat scene. Just like that crap with the Chinese kite last chapter!"

"Well, to be perfectly honest Kakuzu, this is a fanfiction." Kakashi intoned. "Specifically, it's a fanfiction where the all characters are removed from their world, put into mid-medieval era Europe and adapted to fit the local lore while still retaining their distinctive traits. The result is that the character's lives, abilities, actions and deaths will resemble those of the characters in the canon universe as closely as possible while still remaining within the local lore…."

"Of course it is! But in canon, I had a long, drawn out fight with you and 2 other of the semi-main characters! Then Naruto showed up, hit me with a crazy technique, almost killed himself doing so, and THEN you finished me off with a Chidori to the heart!"

"It would be easy to retcon in us having such a fight in the past."

"Point taken, but come on! You came out of nowhere!"

"Actually, between our roles in the Robin Hood storyline, the canon storyline and other characters mentioning that I would return soon, I'd say this was heavily foreshadowed."

"But foreshadowing does not change the fact that you came out of nowhere!"

Kakashi sighed. "I'm going to end this right now. If the fourth wall takes much more damage, there are going to be some serious cosmic consequences." He took back his crown and pulled out his sword. Kakuzu dropped dead. "Kakashi Exit Stage Right."

* * *

Yes, the Spanish Inquisition is out of place by at least 3 centuries. But why not play with it? Props belong to Monty Python and his team in Britain for coming up with some of the better of those lines.

And Naruto, of course, belongs to Kishimoto. But you should know that by now.

Religious references were a bit necessary, given that it is Medieval Europe and all. I'm surprised I made as few as I did.

Just a warning, the next chapter is the final chapter, and it's all in italics. If you don't like that, copypaste it into a word processor and unitalize it.


	23. Chapter 23? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

The Epilogue, in Pure Italics

_Having slain the tyrant Kakuzu by his hand, King Kakashi the Courageous swiftly returned to his rightful place on the Throne of England. His first act was to decrease the hideously high taxes and distribute an imperial assload of rebates to his people. His second act was to pardon Shikamaru and his gutsy band of heroic highwaymen 'for serving the true King of England and following the spirit, not the letter, of the law.'_

_His third act was to release the rule of Scotland from his grasp, and the grasp of all English Kings to follow him. He bestowed upon Suigetsu the Brrrraw the Crown of the Scotts, which he accepted graciously before rushing off to the Stone of Scone for the coronation ceremony and post coronation Highland Games. Satisfied at last to see his nation free, Kiba and Akamaru settled down and founded the city of Glasgow, which to this day remains the most violent city in all of Europe._

_As long as he was handing out crowns and sovereignty, Kakashi decided his fourth act would to be to free the Emerald Isles and return the Crown of Ireland to Naruto's noble brow. At this act, Naruto humbly turned down the thrown, explaining as he did before that he could not become the King of Ireland until he had saved Ireland from its darkest hour…at which point a cloud of wicked magic fell over Ireland, blocking out the sun. Upon seeing this, Naruto promptly shoved the crown into Hinata's hands, told her to get to Ireland some time in the next 3 days, and promptly ran off to shoot himself from Gaara's monstrous cannon in the direction of Ireland. Upon arrival to his homeland, he engaged in an epic with an ancient evil sorcerer, and won, ridding Ireland from all the troubles that plagued it. That weren't originally caused by alcohol. Which was actually only a quarter of their problems. But the non-alcohol related problems where of a significantly greater magnitude, so it all worked out, cure-is-worse-than-the-disease and Ireland-would-have-taken-over-the-world arguments not withstanding. Naruto was properly throned, and Hinata made his queen. Their offspring could not be counted on a single hand._

_Pleased at long last, the head of the O'Higgins decided not to behead his nephew, but to instead bestow a large sum of wealth and estate upon him. He was even nice enough to promote him to marquis; the exact highest level possible before he needed to be involved in politics. This was something that Neji and Tenten, who went on to have 5 children, appreciated very much._

_Immensely pleased to see justice, righteousness and youth triumph once again, Sir Guy the Mighty and his Squire Shamrock Lee traveled the known world, spreading the way of The Order of Fisticuffs and Youth wherever they traveled. It is even said that in their travels, Lee was able to court his lifelong love, Lady Sakura Cooke._

_Having fulfilled his role in the prophecy, Jiraiya was able to die with his soul at peace… but not before spending another century or so fooling around with Tsunade the Hill-Breasted._

_To the great relief of every being residing on the mortal plane, the Rawhead was never seen again except in stories that parents told to make their children behave and the deepest pits of hell. It is believed that he is now working as Cthulu's personal image consultant._

_It turned out that Temari's father only had one key – a skeleton key that could get him any woman he wanted – and Kankuro had been using it for his own purposes. After handing the key over to his sister, he promptly joined Gaara in the cannon-making business in order to pay off the 36 women who bore his bastard children. With Baki as their accountant, their monopoly on the British artillery market lasted over 500 years._

_Shukaku disappeared one day, having dug a tunnel to escape his dungeon home. Gaara was distraught when he found out, but eventually accepted that if you love something, you have to let it go._

_Scrabbler's fur, upon his untimely demise at the talons of a gyrfalcon, became a national treasure._

_Having failed the mission assigned to him, Kisame spent the rest of his life seeking out an opponent strong enough to defeat him and grant him a glorious death in battle. His wish was granted in Africa, when a local pair of warlord brothers decapitated him. He was so happy that his severed personally thanked the brothers before dying._

_Svjornborg and Thrunfir from chapter 8, who did not die an excruciating, blood-spattered, horrifying death at the clawed hands of Rawhead because they were out shopping for milk at the time of Rawhead's attack, went on to become the first men to fly over the English Channel in a hot air balloon._

_Choji was reunited with his father 'Tiny' Choza, resumed the family business of collecting bridge tolls (more badass and better paying than you'd think it would be) and settled down with the daughter of that baker from Chapter 11. He had 3 sons that looked just like him._

_I suppose something happened to Ino too. Yeah, she was reunited with her father and went on to marry some guy. I guess._

_And Shikamaru and Temari were finally wedded, after a brief reunion with his parents. After all the numerous difficulties and epic struggles they had been through, the couple got nothing less than what they deserved: 1 daughter, 1 son, and a fairly quiet domestic existence. It was nothing less than what they wanted._

_And at this point, to say they all lived happily ever after would not only be cliché, but entirely superfluous._

_**THE END**_


End file.
